Let’s take an elfie.
I had an instant connection with someone in South Korea. I think they're my Seoul mate.
A nose visited its home town.
It was overcome with nostril-gia.
Where do phones like to travel?
To the Great Call of China!
What's the name of the meatiest Knight of the Round Table? Sir Loin!
"An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh."
— Will Rogers
Why should somebody who's just out of rehab think twice before going on a skiing holiday?
Because it's a slippery slope.
I lub dub you with all my heart.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.
Are you Ebala? Because you melt my insides.
What do penguins wear on their heads?
Ice caps.
Q: What do tigers and computers have in common?
A: They both have mega bites.
What's an Ancient Egyptian favorite restaurant?
Pizza Tut!
Girlfriend was working on the motorcycle with me the other day...
She exclaimed "God! This is ridiculous. I need, like, four arms to do this!".
To which I replied "but honey, you DO have forearms!"
Why didn't the butcher cross the road? He didn't want to brisket!
Who tells the best egg jokes?
Comedi-hens.
Do you have an inhaler? You took my breath away.
"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein
Why did the zombie go to the doctor?
Because of his coffin.
What do frogs do when they ski?
They rip it.
Date me and all of your problems will be polygone.
Today I donated my old basketball hoop to a school for the blind.
It will be missed.
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you're hungry again."
— George Miller
The earth's rotation really makes my day.
I don't understand why Bed Bath & Beyond is considered a non-essential business.
Don't they carry essential oils?
Any advice on getting a pet pig? Just be sure you get the pig of the litter.
Basketball players are not that patient to follow-through an elaborate court-ship procedure.
Wife and I returned to find our bathtub overflowing...
I turned to her panicked face, "Oh, dam it"
I'm a student, and I play a game with myself every time I check my bank account.
It's called Meal or no Meal.
What is a garbage disposal’s favorite music group?
NSYNC.
“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”—Fred Allen
Why do earth science professors always talk about ammonia? Because it’s basic material.
Girl, you must be a Beatles song, because look at this Long, Long, Long Norwgian Wood.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. I’m not really a mourning person.
I was cutting cheese into very small pieces with a knife. The knife was great but a machine to help would’ve been grater.
How do you wash clothes at the beach?
With Tide.
Why did the tricycle not hang out with the bicycles?
It felt like a third wheel
What kind of cheese protects a castle?
Moat-zarella.
Bake big batches of bitter brown bread
What do you call a dream when a vampire bat is chasing you?
A bat-mare.
I was so disappointed when I went to the court house themed restaurant and all they gave me was frozen water.
Justice was served.
I painted a picture of my cat’s feet today.
You could say it was a paw-trait.
Are you Messi? 'Cause you look ike you'd never miss
When you come across a lost wolf, the first greeting should be, “how are you where-wolf”.
Why did the Pilgrims want to sail to America in the spring?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers!
If your hair is long enough when shampooing...
Does Head & Shoulders then become Knees & Toes?
Do you know which aisle the edible underwear is in? Oh, wait, wrong store!
You’re a perfect ten(t).
What do you called a crow that cant find his way?
A lost caws
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