“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
What is fire to a pyromaniac?
Just a warm-up.
Why did Frankenstein turn to solar?
For the free charge.
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
Having been thrown out of cartoon art school, he was in suspended animation.
It’s so hot I wish had got the cloth seats instead of the leather ones.
What did the bunny say to its crush? Hey there hop stuff.
“I don’t need the facts. I’m a Pisces.”
— Phil Volatile
My father cooked us mushrooms. Later he asked "Having fun guys"?
My love for you is like cancer, it just keeps growing and growing.
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
"Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space." - Evan Esar
What is the preferred shampoo brand of truck drivers?
Lorry-el
What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops? Guardians of the Galaxy.
"The main point of a cruise is to eat until you weigh the same as the boat."
How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a tuba glue.
A man named Martin Draw was campaigning for the Senate. He printed up shirts saying “I’m with Draw” to support his campaign. The next day, he wore the shirt to a tennis tournament. When he walked up to the tournament desk, the director handed him his money back and asked him why he couldn’t play.
Hey, would you like to be lab partners? It would be a pleasure to do some anatomy and biology experiments with you.
I was astonished when my shirt's color changed from red to pink after a wash. Guess it showed me its true colors.
When does a hot dog have a close shave? At the barber-cue!
You’re the queen of my heart.
I’m going green, if you know what I mean.
The king and queen of the animal kingdom were having marriage trouble.
"You're a cheetah!" said one to the other. "Oh yeah?" she replied,
"You're a lion!"
I got fired from the bomb disposal squad
Too bad, I had a blast working there.
Whoa, Domi-nice pics you got there
Whenever my wife is upset I let her color in my black and white tattoos
She just really needed a shoulder to crayon
During the Great Depression, President Hoover didn't give a dam.
What is the only similarity between a UFO and an affordable agent?
You usually hear about both but can never ever see one!
I allow myself only one donut per year.
This morning I had 433 B.C., 1731, and 1952.
"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!'?"
- Rob Knauerhase
What car make did the Apostles drive?
Honda… because the apostles were all in one Accord.
Why did the horse go to jail?
The prosecutors failed to show the burden of hoof.
How does the sun listen to music?
On its ray-dio!
What can a whole apple do that half an apple can't do? It can look round.
I forgot to put on deodorant this morning, so I went to the store on my way to work.
It was a quick pit stop.
The viking Rudolph the Red looked outside and proclaimed it was going to rain.
His wife asked him, “What makes you say that?”
He replied, “Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”
One time, while visiting a river town, my brother was hungry and I fed him freshly made stream buns.
How do you know when a cephalopod has been using your toilet?
Squid marks.
How did the turkey win the talent show? With his drum-sticks.
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
Did you fall from heaven? Because so did Satan.
You're like my drug - when I'm with you, I feel Absinthe-minded.
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
He ordered 6 vodkas, 6 beers and 6 lemonades. The bartender asked if he would like a tray.
"No I have enough to carry as it is."
What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.
I found this amazing bluegrass band that does covers of 80s rock.
They call themselves Ban Jovi.
Electric razors are the best thing since sliced beard.
What do you call the process of naming the various species of dwarves, faeries, trolls, etc?
Binomial gnomenlature.
What do you call a dinosaur with one eye?
A do-you-think-he-saur-us.
What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree? Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
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