"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world."
— E. B. White
Q: What’s red and invisible?
A: No cherries.
Hey, remember back when we were a thing… Yeah… Good times.
Girl, I'm jealous of your shirt.
Because it's wrapped around you and I'm not.
I accidentally injured my girlfriend with a mouth organ.
I really didn't mean to harm Monica.
I’m in pursuit of hoppiness.
Hey, is your name daisy? Because I can’t resist the urge to plant you right over my heart.
What do penguins eat for lunch?
Ice-bergers!
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius…
But his brother Frank was a monster.
A robot is eating a hard drive for lunch.
The robot's friend asks for a bite and the robot says "Sure, but just a small bite." His friend takes a bite and the robot shouts, "Hey! That's a megabyte!"
Foul Play Suspected In Death Of Man Found Handless, Bound And Hanged
The hipster burnt his tongue. He sipped his coffee before it was cool.
Are you related to the sun? Because running into you just brightened up my day!
What do you call an elf who hasn’t had a date in two years or more?
Elf on the shelf.
If you are wondering about the most important constitutional right of a peach citizen, well, it's none other than freedom of peach.
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
I saw a movie about a pig with no eyes.
It was PG.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on?!
Are you a carbon sample? Because I want to date you.
Hey babe, now that the season's over, lets go back to my place and watch the highlight film.
Which technique does a Gorilla borrow from another animal when it gets romantic? The bear hug!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
But I wouldn’t know,
I don’t get them from you.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a tortoise?
A slow-pork.
What do you call a strawberry in math?
A berry-able.
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
Did you hear about the shampoo shortage in Jamaica? It's dread-full.
I went into a bar with a keyboard under my arm. The barman said "Oi! We don"t want your typing in here".
So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Pasta!
Pasta who?
Italian chef who pasta away.
Everyone remembers the iconic line from the lesser known Tragedy of Julius Sneezer:
"Achoo, Brute?"
If an astronaut steps on chewing gum then what will happen to him? He will simply be stuck on the Orbit.
Are you a rusty bike? Because you gonna squeak and scream when I ride you tonight.
What did the skydiver say in autumn? I love the fall.
What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once?
A four loaf cleaver!
My family wanted me to cut the grass, but I couldn't get myself mow-tivated.
How do you know if milk is expired? The smell is dairy bad!
What type of person doesn’t like pizza?
A weir-dough.
Why don't they sell GPSs in Italy?
Because all the roads lead to Rome.
September and October are considered to be the best months of the year, I say this from the b-autumn of my heart.
We like rough sets. As long as you practice safe sets, there isn’t a problem.
Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
What do you call a knight in a cannibal village? Canned food.
Have you heard about the new meat that’s taking the world by storm? It’s a cross between a cow and a chicken. They call it “roost beef”.
“Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories.”
– Deborah Kerr
Why did the clock cross the road?
It couldn’t wait.
“Santa Claus’ favorite swimming spot is the North Pool.”
A worm child comes home. It sees mom and asks: "Mom, have you seen dad?"
Mom says: "Dad went fishing with the guys."
Shes a fairy realistic person.
What do you call a bodybuilder skeleton?
A musculoskeleton.
What did the two onions who were lovers say to each other before being separated? "Our love will forever go-nion on!"
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