What do you get when you photocopy fruit?
Paper jam.
Do you find bone puns humerus?
“If you don’t annoy your big sister for no good reason from time to time, she thinks you don’t love her anymore.”—Pearl Cleage
What do crocodiles wear to keep their legs dry in the water?
Gaiters.
Who granted the fish’s wish?
The fairy cod mother!
What tree makes fruit that tastes a lot like chicken? Poultree.
What do you call a very religious person that sleep walks? a Roman Catholic
There was an Old Man who supposed,
That the street door was partially closed;
But some very large rats,
Ate his coats and his hats,
While that futile old gentleman dozed.
What is an astronaut's favorite place on a computer? The Space bar!
What does an anteater like on its pizza?
Ant-chovies.
How do you decide whether to be a Brain Surgeon or a Novelist?
You flip a coin. It’ll land on heads or tales.
Witches always fly on broomsticks because they want to make a clean getaway.
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
It’s so cold that I’m breathing out snowflakes!
Do you climb? Because baby I can be your rock
Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn’t — the road moved back underneath him.
Are you a booger? Because I want to pick you first.
What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist’s arm?
A tattoo.
Driving a truck carrying cutlery is easy – as soon as you see the fork in the road, you know you’re there.
Are you a florist? Cause ever since I met you, my life has been Rosey.
Because of my rights related to eminent domain, you have to compensate me for stealing my heart.
I’ve been working on my poop art recently...
It’s pretty sh**.
Cleaning my cold frame is a pane in the glass.
I wish I were Castiel so I could have everything in your personal space.
What did the conifer say when he finally got alone with his crush? It’s just yew and me, baby.
If you use the church's WiFi, are you receiving God's signal? -- Anonymous
How do comedians like their eggs?
Funny side up.
Why couldn't the garden gnome run in the marathon?
Because he's not part of the human race!
How do you pronounce Jasmine? Because in my head it’s “Jas-MINE”.
Why did the female chef win the cook-off?
Because cheese grater!
"Help me! I'm on a family vacation!"
Q: How do mummies hide?
A: They use masking tape
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Honeybee.
Honeybee who?
Honeybee a dear and open the door, please.
Wolves love shopping and they can literally die for. However, none of them loves the flea market for obvious reasons!
Chefs earn a meager celery, cumin home beat they just want to read the pepper and spend thyme with the kids.
What’s a gardener’s favorite type of trousers? Ones with turnips.
Why is the baby strawberry crying?
Because its parents are jamming
Why do pandas like old movies?
Because they’re in black and white.
I followed my heart to you.
There’s something that I need to ask,
I’ve gotta know if it’s true,
Please tell me, are you an email?
Because I want to be attached to you!
There was an Old Person of Tartary,
Who divided his jugular artery;
But he screeched to his wife,
And she said, 'Oh, my life!
Your death will be felt by all Tartary!'
I always hate having to unblock the toilet.
I’m never quite ready to take the plunge.
Imagine an imaginary menagerie manager managing an imaginary menagerie.
Me without you is like a nerd without braces,
A shoe without laces,
ASentenceWithoutSpaces.
What is a parrot's favourite colour shade?
Polly-chromatic
What did the nervous crow do? The crow proceeded with caw-tion.
What do you get if you cross a tiger with a mammoth’s tusk?
A sabre-toothed tiger.
What birds like to write?
Penguins!
There once was a lovely young witch,
Who never wore a single stitch;
One Halloween night,
She gave quite a fright,
To some hags who had gathered in a ditch.
At dinner tonight my mother in law asked why my sons knife had a bend in it
I told her it’s so he can cut corners
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