I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
Q: What did the young Pharaoh say when it got frightened?
A: Where's my mummy!!
I was named after my dad
Because I couldn’t possibly have been named before him.
I had some impure water so I boiled the hell out of it and collected the condensation...
Now it’s wholly water.
Have you guys tried kangaroo beer?
It’s a little hoppy.
How does a dual agent sleep?
Well, first he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time.” — Joe Girard
What did the commedian say after after a bad set?
That crowd was laughtose intolerant.
What Do You Call A Bear With No Teeth? A Gummy Bear
Your presence gives meaning to my yoga practice and enlightenment.
Which genre of music appeals to most cheeses? R'n'Brie
Are you an exoplanet? Because I’m bad at astronomy and pick up lines.
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
Why are kangaroos so qualified to be teachers?
Because they’re kan-gurus.
At what time of day was Adam created?
A little before Eve.
Scientists have discovered what is believed to be the world's largest bed sheet.
More on this story, as it unfolds.
How many Chinese folks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They don't change lightbulbs, then just dim sum.
Q: Why did the tiger cross the road?
A: To stop the zebra crossing.
You’re so attractive, the gravitational disturbance is causing my galactic center to elongate.
Did you hear about the kid that ate a whole pack of candy worms?
It’s a sour tale!
While cuddling my girlfriend, I whispered "Honey, this isn't working out for me."
Then I rolled off the bed and started doing push-ups. "This is working out for me!"
What kind of underwear do monkeys wear?
Chimpantsies.
A brand new real estate agent walks into a Realtor’s office for their interview. “It says here you quit your last job selling duct tape after only three months,” the Realtor asked. “Why did you quit?” “I just couldn’t stick with it,” they responded.
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor?
Because it was feeling crumby!
Have you heard about the guys who stole a truck full of broccoli and cauliflower? They had to really floret to get away.
I have a cat
A real fat cat
My cat is all black
My black fat cat
It is a cat with a knack
A true fact about my cat
My fat black cat
She has a knack to catch a rat
My all black cat brought me the rat
This is why my cat is a fat black cat
So rats watch your back
From my cat with the knack
Or you will become a snack for my fat black cat
(Colleen Laforme)
The zombie had had a really long day at work.
She was dead tired.
Who was King Arthur's alcoholic knight?
Sir Ohsis of the Liver
What did the prehistoric Greeks call their goddess of love?
Troglodite.
Why did the cloud stay at home? It was feeling under the weather.
Was Just showing my dad my new living space. He asked “what’s upstairs?”
I Just responded with “dad, stairs don’t talk.”
You’re the tater to my tot. I miss you a lot!
What type of dog can use a phone?
A dial-matian.
What did the wig say to the head?
I got you covered.
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
Where does a 2,000 pound gorilla sit?
Anywhere it wants to.
I was visiting my dear old Grandpa the other day when he said to me, "Let me give you a bit of advice. You can't make an omelette..."
"Without breaking eggs?" I finished for him.
"No. You can't make an omelette," he said, as he scraped it into the bin.
Q: Where do fruits manufacture their money?
A: Peach Mint.
What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck!
The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week.
There was no coffin at the funeral.
Hey girl! Let me orbit around you.
You shift my emotional oxy-hemoglobin saturation curve to the left! Easy to bind, hard to let go...
Just brew it!
What do you call a vegetable planted at a whore house?
A brothel sprout.
Sinks cannot open doors
Let that sink in.
Have you seen my lobster?
I'm worried he might by a lost claws.
After watching me read “War and Peace”, my son asked me, “Dad, why is the book so thick?”
Me: Well, it’s a long story.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite game?
Jump rope.
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
- Sigmund Freud
Why did the burglars decide to rob a music store?
For the lute.
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