What do you get if you cross a tiger with a mammoth’s tusk?
A sabre-toothed tiger.
“Cauliflower is a cabbage with a college education.”
— Mark Twain
Why is it easy for chicks to talk?
Because talk is cheep.
Why did the vampire refuse to eat his eggs?
Because they were sunny side up!
Roses are red, violets are blue, give me your number, so I can bloom with you.
Why wouldn’t the Pharaoh let the Hebrews go?
He was in ‘de Nile.
Why did the bus driver take a long break? He needed a wheel-y good rest!
What is the best way to cook alligator meat? With a croc pot!
What do books wear on a wet and rainy day? Rain quotes.
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were Prime mates!
Why don’t we use some Fourier analysis on our relationship and reduce to a series of simple periodic functions?
"Grandparent Rap"
It's Grandparents' Day and we're here to say,
"We love our Grandparents in a major way."
So sit right down and take a seat,
And we'll put on a show that can't be beat!
Some Grandparents are skinny. Some eat a lot.
Some are funny. Some are not.
Some short, some tall, some big, some small.
It doesn't matter. We love them all.
I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.
Which makes me an eighth theist.
It’s so cold that even the ATM shows minus.
The dog didn’t want to play soccer because it was a boxer.
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell
Did you know alligators can grow up to 18 feet?
But most of them only have four!
“What strange creatures brothers are!”—Jane Austen
What's brown and very bad for your dental health?
A baseball bat.
What do koalas do when they’re facing a tough situation? They grin and bear it.
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
Did you hear about the flower who never bloomed?
It was a bud omen.
Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm's never glum,
'cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum?
(Taylor Russell)
What did the student say when the witch doctor removed his curse?
Hexagon.
Why was the Whale bank heist so successful?
Because it was a whale orca-strated plan
When you’re smooching with your honey, and your nose is kinda runny, you may think it’s kinda funny, but it snot.
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
Frankenstein's monster and the bride of Frankenstein sit down for dinner
Bride: How come you never help with the dinner
Frankenstein: I did
Bride: How?
Frankenstein: I did the mash...
Bride: Don't you dare
Never criticize a gun owner until you've walked a mile in his shoes
That way he'll be barefoot and you'll be out of range.
What's the sweetest moment in a hockey game? When they're icing the puck.
"My day just went from super to sip-erb, real quick."
A young slice of bread came up to his crush. He told her that he was really falling in loaf with her.
I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift. Thing is, I couldn’t find a manual.
"My own prescription for health is less paperwork and more running barefoot through the grass." - Leslie Grimutter
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
You can fill my caudate nucleus with dopamine anytime.
You make the Queen of Sheba look like a hobo.
The queen’s favorite form of precipitation is the reign.
What were middle-aged parents called in medieval times? Middle-aged parents.
There was an Old Person of Rhodes,
Who strongly objected to toads;
He paid several cousins,
To catch them by the dozens,
That futile Old Person of Rhodes.
Are you from pennsylvania cause I want to stick my pen in your sylvania.
What do you call a cheese that is an alcoholic? Livarot
I just lost a key on my keyboard
Now its all out of control.
What did the Cheese salesman say? That cheese may be Gouda, but this one is Feta!
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
George Carlin
I had a girlfriend that went scuba diving...
One day I lobster and never flounder again.
I think you might be a star, because I can't stop orbiting around you.
What’s a missionary’s favorite kind of car?
A convertible.
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
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