A goat came out of nowhere and headbutted me
It was a ram-done act of violence
“You’re not truly a parent until you’ve yelled at your kid for drinking fluid on a road trip because now they have to pee again.”
— Abe Yospe
The viking Rudolph the Red looked outside and proclaimed it was going to rain.
His wife asked him, “What makes you say that?”
He replied, “Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
In one Fall swoop, it's autumn again!
What is a car’s favourite sport?
Soc-car.
“I love you from head to mistletoe.”
Did you overstay your visa? Because you got 'fine' written all over you
Why did the chicken cross the football field?
It was a fowl.
It’s so hot that corn on the stalks starts popping.
Why doesn’t an owl study for a test?
They prefer to wing it.
"The only thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax."
— Thomas Dewar
Are you dessert because I'm finished.
Are you the flags in a 200 back swim? Because I’ve been looking for you forever.
King Arthur had a knight in charge of determining property boundaries.
Sir Veyor
Why aren't high school twins afraid of getting mono?
Because they get stereo instead!
I phoned OK magazine the other day. They answered and said "Hello?", so I said "Sorry, wrong number," and hung up.
Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.
The butcher’s life was at steak when the meat market caught fire.
What did the ghost say to the bee
“BOOBEE”
Why did the orange go out with a prune? He couldn’t find a date.
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
My local Italian restaurant is moving to Italy
They are moving to greener pasta.
What do you call the ghost of a chicken? A poultry-geist.
I'm going to have to get a security guard because you're trying to steal my heart.
My dad wanted to teach me to fix the car but all I did was hold the flashlight.
I guess I'll never hold a candle to him.
What did the Endoplasmic Reticulum say to the Golgi. I like your body, and the Golgi said it's complex.
You know you’re getting old when…
Things you buy now won’t wear out.
I listenend to the football game on the radio. It was being broadcast on a catholic satellite radio station.
So I tirned to my dad and said, "That's weird. Football isn't even that religious of a sport!"
My dad replied, "Nope. Lacrosse is!"
When I went to my favorite Irish cafe after years, I felt deja brew all over again.
I should change my name to Billy and get a job as a radio show presenter.
Then I can finally be a Billy-on-air.
Why did the witch's team lose the cricket game?
Their bats flew away.
Where do recluses live in Spain?
Barceloner.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
Fertilizer.
“A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”
Eleanor Roosevelt
Why did the ancient Egyptians used to bury their Pharaohs in several layers of coffin? It was called multicasking.
Two flies were sitting on a urinal. Everything was going well between them, until one got pissed.
I am disappointed that you are taking such a closed-stance on my footwork advice.
When the strawberry's favorite song came on, he exclaimed "That's my jam!"
I walked into my sister's room and tripped on a bra... It was a booby trap.
“Candy is nature’s way of making up for Mondays.”
— Rebecca Gober
Every function without you will always be void of love.
Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...
And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.
Why is it so windy inside a stadium?
There are hundreds of fans.
Vampires are not even real. Unless you Count Dracula.
It took me forever to figure out where my mustache went.
Turns out, it was right under my nose the whole time.
When the History teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said, "Need Tudoring?"
What do you call a potato that smokes weed? A baked potato.
What were the cheese’s wedding vows?
To havarti and to hold.
“The problem with the world is that everyone does not have a brain, but everyone does have a tongue.”
- Raheel Farooq
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