My wife: Oh look, here's instructions on building a carpenter bee trap.
Me: Shouldn't they be able to do that themselves?
Aria free next Friday for dinner?
Why was a realtor amused by solving a house jigsaw puzzle in just five weeks?
The box read for 10-14 years!
A policeman was busted for collecting bribes and hiding the money in his freezer....
When the authorities searched his freezer, they found nothing but cold hard cash
The flock of crows that were sprayed with sewage was a true definition of murder most foul.
Is your name Pepsi? Because you sure are sizzling.
Hurricane Irene is a Category 3, but if it had your name it be a perfect 10.
I'm single and desolate. Can you help me?
I always wanted to keep my wisdom teeth but I just went to the dentist and it looks like they're gonna have to be removed...
To be honest this is pretty de-molar-izing.
“Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.”
Cullen Hightower
Why did the monster call his werewolf “Frost”?
Because frost bites!
A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
How was the lepre-con caught?
By an under-clover police officer!
Are you the end of practice? Because you’re always on my mind.
Did you get those pants on sale? (Why?) Because at my house they would be 100% off!
Are you Spotify? Cause I can listen to you all day.
I've just thought of a really funny owl joke, but I can't use it until 2/8/20.
Seven slick slimey snakes slowly sliding southward.
What is writing in sand called?
Sandscript.
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
I bet your number sounds even better than you look right now.
Where do naughty rainbows go?
Prism
Is your tent erect yet or do you need help with that?
What song do tornados like?
“The Twist.”
Rory the warrior and Roger the worrier were reared wrongly in a rural brewery.
My friends tell me I'm like a beard..
I grow down or sideways, but I never grow up!
Let's procreate like the snakes in the Narcisse Dens.
I've just got my hand stuck in a jar of gherkins and I can't get it out.
I'm in a right pickle!
Are you a banker?
Because you need to leave me a loan.
Why are frogs so good at basketball?
Because they always make jump shots.
Are you the square root of -100? Because you’re a solid 10 but too good to be real!
I like you a lily bit more every day.
I think haikus suck.
Has to be five seven five.
Who came up with this?
How can you drop an egg six feet without breaking it?
By dropping it seven feet. It won’t break for the first six.
What is a Leatherback Sea Turtles favorite sandwich?
Peanut butter and jellyfish.
What do mosquitoes and relatives have in common?
They both share your blood.
The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.
What type of stroke does a classical musician use when swimming?
The Bach stroke!
Did you hear about the little people starting a beer making operation?
It's a micro brewery.
"I'd like to make a toast!", said the bread to the bride on her wedding day.
What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?
PRIME-mates.
What did you just call me? Just because we’re Dark Chocolate does not give you the right to call us “Snickers”.That’s OUR word.
Why do Jack-o-lanterns have silly smiles on their faces? You'd have a silly smile, too, if you had just had all your brains scooped out!
Flamingos are great to go out with, because they all party like flock stars.
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
I hear this house is haunted… we better stick together.
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
Sleigh, what?!
Where should you call if you find a bad cheese shop?
The feta business bureau.
What is at the end of a rainbow?
The letter W.
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