Which car is a Ghost’s favourite? It is between a Boogatti or a Rolls-Royce Phantom.
Where did the music teacher leave her keys?
In the piano.
"What do tofu and a dildo have in common?" "They are both meat substitutes!"
I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my son’s train set that I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
I’m just wondering. Now that you’re here, who’s running heaven now?
What did the snail say as he slipped down the wall? How slime flies!
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillowcases? Their making headlines...
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye
Turns out she was seeing someone else.
A slimey snake slithered down the sandy sahara.
Is that a mirror in your pocket? Cause I can see myself in your pants!
Why are houseflies great at arithmetics? Because they multiply really fast.
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road?
Poultry in motion.
How do beavers make a bouncy dam? Well, they use spring water.
Why was the backstroke done by the squirrel?
“The squirrel preferred to maintain his nuts dry.”
What does a lemon pie and my wife have in common?
They both have meringue on them.
Where’s the best place to find out information about pistachios?
The inter-nut.
I've just been sacked from my job as a prophet..
I didn't see that coming.
What do you call a fish that floats on the surface?
Bob.
My zebra is a rubbish ballet dancer. I think he’s got two left feet.
I don’t know who became more famous, Sir Francis Bacon or his son
Chris P. Bacon
Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.
In some way, being a bowl of soup is like being a man. You are only blown when you are hot!
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
If you are wondering about the fuzziest character in the gaming world, well it is definitely Princess Peach.
Some pink birds can be really rude. I approached a group of them the other day and they screamed “Flamingo away!”
Where did the computer go to dance? To a disc-o.
If you think I’m hot now, wait until you see what I turn into at midnight.
Your name must be Lucky Charms because you’re magically delicious!
A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.
Winston Churchill
County to Pay $250,000 to Advertise Lack of Funds
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
I would flirt with you, but I'd rather seduce you with my awkwardness From a distance.
The builder beaver decided to launch a new liquid dam-building product, but the market was too saturated.
One smart fellow, he felt smart.
Two smart fellows, they felt smart.
Three smart fellows, they felt smart.
Four smart fellows, they felt smart.
Five smart fellows, they felt smart.
Six smart fellows, they felt smart.
What do you get if you cross a trumpet and a serpent?
A snake in the brass.
The only thing sweeter than pumpkin pie is you, baby!
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time
Girl, it would be both a Crime and a Punishment if you don't let me take you out.
How much pot, could a pot roast roast, if a pot roast could roast pot.
What do u get from a perverted apple? Hard Cider.
Not all math puns are bad.
Just sum.
What's the difference between a Yankee Stadium hot dog and a Fenway Park hot dog? You can buy a Yankee Stadium hot dog in October.
Did you hear about the crow who worked at a call Center?
He was fired for Just Caws.
"I can't wait to start blaming my normal lack of productivity on it being summer"
“I think a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.”
- Mary Karr
I always feel like a winner in France, which is great because I hate Toulouse.
You had me at taco.
Why did an agent decide to hide his realtor license?
Because he wanted to be a secret agent.
What did the first plate say to the second plate?
"Dinner's on me!"
“I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it.”
- Edith Sitwell
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