A person with a very blocked nose walks into a doctors office.
The doctor says: "So, you're having mucus problems?"
The person replies: "perhaps, perhaps snot.
You have been running through my mind all day.
It’s your birthday at last
You’re getting old fast
Each year whizzes by
Oh how time does fly
So put on your skates
And have a quick blast
Before it’s too late
And your whole life has passed
What do you call a crimson-colored fish wearing a hat?
A red herring...
When does a sloth go "moo"? When it is learning a new language!
What do you call an eternity? Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.
Can you can a can as a canner can can a can?
My dad is going through heart failure, and the first text that I get from him after sending him a card says:
“No more corny jokes, now just corn-orary jokes.”
Bigfoot saw me today
I bet nobody believes him.
I'd give me right arm to be ambidextrous!
What do you call an ant running away with another ant?
Ant-elope.
My mom said I have no sense of direction
So I packed my bags and right
Some things have to be believed to be seen. -- Ralph Hodgson
Girls just wanna have sun!
What did the Australian Chess player say about the mouldy bread?
"Stalemate."
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
It's always a first class trip with me.
What word looks the same backwards and upside down? Swims
I love the way you look at me,
The sharpness of your gaze.
The way I hold you my arms,
You keep me in a haze.
I love the scent you bring with you, when you come into my home.
You bring me so much happiness,
I can’t leave you alone.
You pale them in comparison,
The rest cannot do better.
You are my favorite in the world,
I love you so much, Cheddar.
Roses are red, bananas are yellow, wanna go out with a nice little fellow?
What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?
One molar solution.
Just shooting my shot here, because you look so good. Hope it lands, but I guess Wesley..
Q: What falls but never hits the ground?
A: The temperature
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
What kind of soup can you make with cool beans?
Chilly!
"Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it."
Anonymous
To whom did the squirrel go to seek out his fortune.
Nutradamus.
After 5 hours sitting in the bar, a man was in no shape to drive, wisely left his car parked and walked home.
As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 am?", said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture.", the man said.
And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?", the cop asked.
"My wife." said the man.
What do chocolate, men, and coffee have in common?
They’re only good if they’re rich!
What type of cat belongs to the baker? One that’s pure-bread
Who do vampires buy their cookies from? The Ghoul Scouts
A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks: “Is this stool taken?”
I'm still figuring out how to properly wear a face covering. Before I could master the art I was robbed of my beloved mask...
It was stolen from right under my nose.
I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit, upon a slitted sheet I sit.
What does a cat lady say on Friday night?
I am drinking wine and feline fine!
How do you make holy water?
By boiling the hell out of it.
What do you call the worlds tallest mosquito?
Himalarya.
I was having a pretty boring night but now it’s looking a lot more Evelyn-tful
My first girlfriend was a tennis player but she broke my heart.
It was like love meant nothing to her.
A barber, a hairdresser, and Bigfoot walk into a bar...
You know what...I'm gonna shave this joke for another time.
It’s so cold I left Starbuck with mocha lattes and by the time I got to the car I had fudgicles.
Just brew it!
Why did the uncouth spud not stop talking during the football game?
Because he was a common-tater.
What do you call a perfume that missed its deadline?
Eau de too late.
Did you hear about the Viking who was reincarnated?
He was Bjorn again.
How do ghouls sign off a letter?
Best witches and worm regards.
“I believe someone made a grievous mistake when summer was created; no novitiate or god in their right mind would make a season akin to hell on purpose. Someone should be fired.”
― Michelle Franklin
I painted my dog’s nails So he can look paw-ty.
The book about Mount Everest had quite a cliff hanger.
"How do you shoot a killer bee?" "With a bee bee gun."
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