You seem to be traveling at the speed of light, because time always seems to stop when I look at you.
I was reading a story about dragons the other day
It just seemed to DRAG ON and on.
Where do most horses work for their first job?
Re-tail stores.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite season?
Spring.
What type of tree can be put inside your hand? A palm tree.
“Mondays are a lot like getting fat. They make you feel sad, sometimes angry and there is not much scope for liking either fat or Mondays for any reason.”
– Garry Moll
Why was the wheelchair basketball team banned from the Paralympics?
They all tested positive for WD-40.
Why do poets always write about the sea?
They just can’t fathom her depths.
"Good things come slow. Especially in distance running."
Bill Dellinger
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
“Work is against human nature. The proof is that it makes us tired. – Michel Tournier
If H20 is water, then what is H204? It’s for drinking, washing and swimming, of course!
What do you call it when a football player suffers a career-ending injury in his last game before retirement? Gridirony!
“I remember when yoga was called Twister.” – Unknown
Cold Ski Pun of the Day: I'm tired of slalom skiing. Alpine over another telemark now.
Chairlift Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, is it really windy up here, or are you just blowing me away?
"Halfway Down"
Halfway down the stairs
Is a stair
Where I sit.
There isn’t any
Other stair
Quite like
It.
I’m not at the bottom,
I’m not at the top;
So this is the stair
Where
I always
Stop.
Halfway up the stairs
Isn’t up
And it isn’t down.
It isn’t in the nursery,
It isn’t in town.
And all sorts of funny thoughts
Run round my head.
It isn’t really
Anywhere!
It’s somewhere else
Instead!
– A. A. Milne
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
“Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty.”
— Sicilian Proverb
Did you hear about the Irish potato that immigrated?
He became a French fry.
Q: Why did the pillow go to the doctor?
A: He was feeling all stuffed up!
The forecast said that we’re in for a hot summer; better make sure I watermelon everyday or else the yard will dry up.
"I think you should embrace the change, son"
Said my father as he handed me a handful of coins.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
You have been running through my mind all day.
I sent my cows to bed at 8pm last night. I told them 'it's pasteur bedtime'.
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
Are you tired? Because you've been running through my mind all day with a frisbee in your mouth.
Don't ever think dentists are perfect individuals
They most certainly have floss.
My friend impresses girls by drawing realistic pictures of trucks. He's a pickup artist!
Wikipedia: I know everything!
Google: I have everything!
Facebook: I know everybody!
Internet: Without me you are nothing!
Electricity: Keep talking smart guys...
I hate spelling errors. You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.
"I'm so egg-cited for Easter."
I can't touch my aunt or I will explode.
She's made of auntie matter.
Why are cats such great singers? Because they’re very mewsical
"Congress can raise taxes because it can persuade a sizable fraction of the populace that somebody else will pay."
- Milton Friedman
What are a submissive's favorite vegetables?
Collared greens.
My wife said she saved $5 by not taking a bus and walking home
I said, you could've saved a $20 by not taking a cab instead
Son: does Easter Bunny set out 12 eggs in the field to search for?
Dad: no he dozen’t.
What did the gladiator say when he was surrounded by nearly 100 men?
IC
I'm really obsessed with the F1 key on my keyboard. I'm trying to get help.
Q: When is a Pharaoh like a piece of wood?
A: When he's a ruler.
What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth?
Hard cheese!
Its hard being a teenage mother
Especially when you're a teenage male.
Don’t ask me for any tree puns.
Acacia haven’t noticed I’m all out.
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
You can catch a lot of flies with honey
But you'll catch more honeys being fly.
How do you know that it's too cold outside for a picnic?
You chip your tooth on the soup.
Are you a lumberjack?
Why, because I give you wood?
No, because you have masculine forearms and you're wearing Wranglers jeans.
I lub dub you with all my heart.
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