Where do you go to learn how to make ice cream?
Sundae school.
There’s a great new rock and roll cover artist doing the rounds at the moment – his name is Chuck Cherry.
The evil King of Weatherland only had one favorite weather - hail, storm.
The easiest way to know that you are eating a bowl of rabbit soup is to take a look inside and find a hare in it.
Not many people liked the new tree I planted.
It wasn’t very poplar.
Just promise you won’t tamper with my heart.
Sorry, but you owe me a drink. Why? Because when I looked at you, I dropped mine.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
She has high elf-esteem.
Have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts.
What did the flower say when he saw his date?
I think you’re dandy, and I’m not lion!
What is the difference between a ball hog and time?
Time passes.
Girls just wanna have sun.
A man once said when is Monday coming? His wife said Mon-soon.
The sheep says to the shepherd "you're an jerk and I hate you!" and the shepherd says "Say what?"
And the sheep goes "You herd me!"
How many software engineers do you need to change a light bulb?
None – it’s a hardware problem.
Why couldn't the pirate play cards? Because he was sitting on the deck!
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Butch.
Butch who?
Butch your arms around me and give me a hug.
Which cat discovered America? Christofurry Columbus.
Don't get tide-up in sorrows, you will only cry a river.
Cutest clover in the patch.
"If your doctor's last name is Google, it's time to get a second opinion…" - Toni Bernhard, J.D.
I am a peach, and when my husband accompanies me, we are a pear.
"Let's have a moment of silence for all those Americans who are stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride the stationary bicycle."
- Earl Blumenauer.
How does a bee travel to a tree? They get on the buzz.
There was a rebellious lightning bolt who ended up in juvenile hall.
His parents grounded him so he struck them.
What does a pirate with heart failures need?
Anti-arrrrrrrrrrhythmics.
Can I hold your hand?
What did the vegetables say to the Salad Dressing? Lettuce all smile.
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
The hotdog severely fell behind in school which is why he has to ketchup.
What did the ghost teacher say to her class? - Look at the board and I’ll go through it, again.
Did you hear about the ice cream that went to prison?
They got their just desserts.
What is a ghost peppers favorite Leonardo Dicaprio film? Catch me if you Cayenne.
Are people jealous of the Irish?
Yeah, they’re green with envy.
Now get out there and pick-up your boat race sweetie!
It’s so cold pickpockets are sticking their hands in strangers’ pockets just to keep them warm.
You and the sun have one thing in common. You are both radiant.
Why did the monkey like the banana?
Because it had appeal.
Halloween is the night of darkness. But you are brighter than an angel.
I got a valentine from a pickle today...
It meant a great dill to me.
Why were the axons bothered by myelin?
It was getting on their nerves.
Cooking a Hawaiian pizza and don't want to burn it?
Be sure to cook it at aloha temperature.
What did the period say to the sentence? We better stop now!
What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."
Said to my husband I'm going to take a hot tub. He said...
"When are you going to put it back?"
What do you get when you put the number 3.14 in the middle of the onions? You get o-pi-nions!
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
Are you the end of the pool? Because baby, I’d do anything to reach you.
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