The umpire kept answering his phone during the softball game.
He said he didn't want to miss any calls.
What's better than a talking dinosaur ? A spelling bee. What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try-Try-Try-ceratops.
“The archer will walk up to you, give you a hearty slap on the back and a wide, friendly grin. Then he’ll greet you with a remark like, ‘How the heck do you manage to look so young when you’re as old as you are?'”
— Linda Goodman
How do skeleton’s get their mail delivered?
By the bony express.
Hey, did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because honestly, Karen, you are a demon.
What did one witch's cat say to the other?
You look familiar.
What do apres-ski participants in white-out blizzard conditions eat for lunch?
Icebergers. BRR!
In Mexico, truck drivers always keep a wheel of cheese in their cabs. Apparently this is in queso emergencies.
My friend explained how powerful (yet invisible) farts work via demonstration.
I was blown away by his transparency.
Why was music coming from the printer?
The paper was jamming.
Even Pepcid AC can’t stop my heart from burning for you.
Forget a trophy wife…. I’m looking for a Sophie wife
They fired the loaf of bread from her job. They say that she kept breaking down and would rye on the job.
Like a bouquet tied with twine, I can be yours if you will be mine.
You know I always wanted to open my own sandwich shop. I would have all the meat and bread money could buy...
Problem was I was afraid something would go a rye
Teachers said I'd never be any good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.
Well I’ve had the last laugh because I've just made two jugs and a vase.
What did the kitten do when she wanted to order something? She looked in the cat-alog!
You need to go out on a date with me right now. Alex-plain later
There once was a young man called Kyle,
who worked at the circus a while.
He flew through the air,
with hardly a care,
and that's why his body's in a pile.
I think we're mint to be!
Playing the keyboard is...
my type of music.
What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in its eye? CHICKEN CAESER SALAD.
It's pretty obvious, that if you run in front of a moving car, you will get tired. But if you run behind it..
..do you just get exhausted ?
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
A strawberry screamed at the other, "Were it not that ripe, we wouldn't have ended up in this jam."
I don’t think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
Frank Carson
How do fish go into business?
The start on a small scale.
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
Why do dwarves hunt dragons in the morning?
Because the early beard gets the wyrm.
Our farm is haunted by chickens. You could say that we have a poultry-geist problem.
What happens if you swallow a whole corn cob?
You get corn-stipated!
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle.
Wish I was British so I could say "could you polish me nob?"
How do you say farewell to a very optimistic insect?
Buoyant!
I read a story about pig anatomy.
It was all straightforward until I found a twist in the tale.
It’s so hot that my sprinkler released steam.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Brown is the color
Of elephant poo.
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
You're not just some bunny... you're my bunny.
What do you call a bear with a bad attitude?
The bearer of bad news.
Reading is a novel idea.
You must be Gisele Bundchen’s twin sister. You know the one no one talks about because she’s more beautiful than Gisele.
What does a person with Covid like to drink?
Coughy.
Why are lemons safer than limes?
There’s no such thing as lemon’s disease.
This zombie kept cutting the line so I gave her a piece of my mind.
She said it was yummy.
Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said 'concentrate'.
Why do thespians have great hair? They want the perfect part.
Why wasn't the taxidermist invited to Thanksgiving dinner?
No one wanted to try his stuffing
Why did Frankenstein turn to solar?
For the free charge.
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