“No animal, according to the rules of animal-etiquette, is ever expected to do anything strenuous, or heroic, or even moderately active during the off-season of winter.” — Kenneth Grahame
The day we met I still remember so clear,
My heartbeat with love as you came near,
Please know that I’m sorry I forgot our anniversary,
But please don’t make me take a test on our love history!
Did you know dried fruits favorite news segments is...
Current events.
Flamingo parents are really cute with their babies. You should see them playing Beak a Boo.
Why should you avoid discussing coffee around sensitive people?
It can lead to a really heated, strong debate.
My mum makes the best soups. She is a real soup-erstar.
Can I borrow your library card? Cause I’m checking you out.
What do you call a man who lives in a bathroom?
Lou.
“Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.” — Yogi Berra
What’s the coldest fish in the sea?
A blue whale!
I’m in pursuit of hoppiness.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Two knee.
Two knee who?
Two-knee fish!
Where did the computer go to dance? To a disc-o.
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
No need to light a night-light on a light night like tonight.
Which servant of God was the worst lawbreaker in the Bible?
Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
I'm looking to sell my DeLorean. Good shape, low mileage...
Only driven from time to time.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
How do flamingos clean themselves? They flaminget a shower.
What did the Psychologist tell the geologist? "Every decline is a great Break Through"
Can anyone advise me what color my hair is?
I find it's a bit of a grey area.
Mushrooms always hate going to school. They feel inferior before the rest because they are always so spore-d.
"Running won't solve all your problems. But then again, neither will housework."
Unknown
"You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jelly beans."
— Ronald Reagan
How does a Snowman get to work?
By icicle.
What do you call a bat with the flu?
An airborne disease.
Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.
What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
What is it called when a tree has spine problems?
ScoliOAKsis.
Nearly got knocked off of my bike by a council salt lorry.
You idiot, I shouted. Through gritted teeth.
“Santa’s beard is so long because he’s bad at shaving. Why do you think they call him Saint Nick?”
What is the most affordable type of meat that we would purchase?
“Dear balls because they are always under a buck.”
Why did the otter cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!
I shot the city sheriff.
I shot the city sheriff.
I shot the city sheriff.
Anyone who is born in a car and dies outside is known as car born die oxide.
Do you beer-lieve in magic?
My lobster's name is:
Claude
What do you get when you put a bomb in a dinosaur? Dino-mite.
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
If this new covid vaccine works...
...It'll be a real shot in the arm for 2021.
What do Penguins like to eat?
Brrrrrrrritos.
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
It's been a while since I heard jokes about people sitting on wet morning grass.
They're over dew.
What might folks in Tokyo find between Godzilla's toes?
Slow runners.
My history teacher is a communist, so I made lots of references to the Soviet Union in my essay.
I got full marx.
What do you call a pig that gets the test answer wrong?
Mistaken bacon.
What’s the difference between England’s football team and a tea bag
A tea bag stays longer in the cup.
The crow decided to dress up as Corvid-19 virus for the Halloween costume party.
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