My boss told me that he was going to fire the person with the worst posture
I have a hunch, it might be me.
"Whale, what do we have here?" said the mermaid.
Hey, you're pretty and I'm cute. Together we'd be pretty cute
Could you tell me the oxidation state of this atom and your phone number?
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon." - Doug Larson
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
- Will Rogers
A farmer complained that he didn't have enough fruit to make a living.
I told him he needs to grow a pear.
What did the worm say to the other when he was late home? Where in earth have you been.
It’s so cold pickpockets are sticking their hands in strangers’ pockets just to keep them warm.
What do you call a rabbit who is angry over getting burnt? A hot cross bunny.
What happens when you seriously overstuff yourself with turkey at Thanksgiving?
You have a few slices of pumpkin pie.
I was only taught 22 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know Y TBH.
When the rainbow decided to speak out at the meeting of all weathers, someone said 'Look hue's talking.'
What do you call a blood vessel that's mad with power?
A Megalovieniac.
Question: What is a turkey’s favorite dessert?
Answer: Peach gobbler!
When your poo goes into the sewers, it's not yours anymore.
It becomes pooblic domain.
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
Why did the Pilgrims want to sail to America in the spring?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers!
It was so hot that I poured boiling water on myself to cool down.
Q. What do you get if you cross a deer with an Aussie Joey?
A. A buck-er-roo.
Why blondes can't make Koolaid? Because they can't get 2 quarts of water in that small koolaid envelope.
What do you get when you cross a strict school teacher with a vampire?
Lots of blood tests.
What did the phone say to the radio when they met for a date?
This is AUXhilarating
My son asked me, what’s a Greek urn?
I said, “about 20 drachmas a day.”
Why do trees always get hired? They have the right qual-leaf-ications.
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight!
(Larry Huggins)
My space ship is ready. Wanna ride?
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
I'm not the fig plucker,
nor the fig plucker's son,
but I'll pluck figs
till the fig plucker comes.
I've been called a dirty player but lets just see how dirty we can get tonight.
There was an Old Person of Rhodes,
Who strongly objected to toads;
He paid several cousins,
To catch them by the dozens,
That futile Old Person of Rhodes.
The head surgeon shouted at me for accidentally severing the patient's spine.
I think I struck a nerve.
What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs and hang on the wall?
Curt 'n Rod.
Why did the cherry blossom tree seem scared when it was trying to make a cherry pie? Because it was baking like a leaf.
"If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself." —Mickey Mantle
Where does a penguin go when it loses its tail?
A re-tail store.
“Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.”
— Punit Ghadge
Chefs earn a meager celery, cumin home beat they just want to read the pepper and spend thyme with the kids.
Why do owl babies take after their dad?
Like feather, like son.
One day I saw a squirrel burying lotto tickets under a large bush, so I asked him what he was doing.
He told me he was hedging his bets.
Who named their daughter Macadamia?
A couple of nuts.
Blue jeans are immortal. They never die, they just fade away!
Roses are red, bananas are yellow, wanna go out with a nice little fellow?
What do you get when you drop a pumpkin? Squash.
What did the wise papa fish tell his son?
Keep your friends close and your anemones closer.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
What sits in a tree and says "Hoots mon, hoots mon?"
A Scottish owl.
Come with me, let’s convert our potential energy into kinetic energy.
A lot of William Shakespeare’s plays were based off of old Greek and Roman performances
That's playgarism if you ask me.
Why don’t snakes drink coffee?
Because it makes them viperactive.
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