I told my husband that the National Zoo's sloth bear gave birth but ate two of the three babies. He said "now she's guilty of 2 deadly sins: sloth and gluttony."
I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.
I really wish my five-year-old son would make up his mind! First, he said he wanted a treehouse in the backyard, but now, he says he doesn't need it…
Took me twenty years to grow that thing!
“There are more airplanes in the water than there are submarines in the sky.”
Anonymous
Why do you bring fish to a party?
You bring fish to a party because they go well with chips!
My wife asked, “If someone’s body just isn’t fighting the virus, would getting the vaccine help?”
I told her I think it’s worth a shot.
If there’s an invasion army of endless flies attacking, who you gonna call?
The fly S.W.A.T. Team!
Whale, whale, whale…
If it isn’t a pod.
What is writing in sand called?
Sandscript.
What do you call a big Irish spider?
A Paddy long legs.
If I buy you guacamole, will you sleep with me?
You must think I’m some kind of avocad-ho.
“If summer had one defining scent, it’d definitely be the smell of barbecue.”
— Katie Lee
I like telling fart jokes.
They are tough to hold in.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Candice.
Candice who?
Candice be love that I'm feeling?
Where does a penguin keep its money?
In a snow bank.
The best Sunday I can think of?
You, me, Netflix, and mimosas with no pants on.
Oh sorry, I meant bottomless mimosas.
What do you call fraudulent milk? Cow-nterfeit.
There was an Old Man who said, 'Well!
Will nobody answer this bell?
I have pulled day and night,
Till my hair has grown white,
But nobody answers this bell!'
Roses are red, I’m not wearing a suit,
Carrots are not vegetables, they are actually fruit.
Why don’t most people enjoy jokes about taco shells?
They’re too corny
I asked my Mom if I was ugly.
She said, "I told you not to call me Mom in front of people."
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.
Are you into hockey? That's great because I'd like to score.
Which superhero likes spring the best?
Robin.
Did you hear about that music composer who committed suicide? He didn't even leave a note.
My coffee is really hot. But you're hotter.
What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps.
One ear of corn says to the other, “I think I have a stalker.”
The other corn replies, “Thats amaizing! Is he cute?” The ear replies, “No, too husky!”
Stealthy minotaurs are always camooflauged.
“I’ve never met an animal I didn’t like, and I can’t say the same thing about people.”
- Doris Day.
"If you feel bad at 10 miles, you're in trouble. If you feel bad at 20 miles, you're normal. If you don't feel bad at 26 miles, you're abnormal."
Rob de Castella
What do you call a snowman with a six pack? An abdominal snowman.
Are you a cat? Because you look purrrfect!
How do you know carrots are good for your eyes? Because you never see a rabbit wearing glasses.
Why did the man driving a train get struck by lightning?
He was a good conductor.
Why did the bus driver laugh? He was having a 'wheely' good time!
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
I was kidnapped by mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
Why do math teachers love parks so much?
Because of all the natural logs.
Dear Dog
You cower and hide
As I fill up the tub
Yet when I go outside
And turn on the hose
You follow me gladly
For a spray up the nose
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
What type of keys does the gingerbread man unlock his door with? cook-keys!
When I took a break from having soup, my mom said "Carry on, why did you stoup?"
Forget about watermelons, I heard having a windmelon your property is the best way to get clean and renewable electricity.
"I just can't take the bad lovemaking anymore".
There was an Old Lady whose folly,
Induced her to sit on a holly;
Whereon by a thorn,
Her dress being torn,
She quickly became melancholy.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Toucan.
Toucan who?
Toucan play at that game!
There was an Old Person of Tartary,
Who divided his jugular artery;
But he screeched to his wife,
And she said, 'Oh, my life!
Your death will be felt by all Tartary!'
If you need a mystery-solving, just call an in-vesti-gator.
Deaf mute gets new hearing
Go to BabaMail
