"Bed in Summer"
In Winter I get up at night
And dress by yellow candle light.
In Summer, quite the other way,
I have to go to bed by day.
I have to go to bed and see
The birds still hopping on the tree,
Or hear the grown-up people’s feet
Still going past me in the street.
And does it not seem hard to you,
When all the sky is clear and blue,
And I should like so much to play,
To have to go to bed by day?
– Robert Louis Stevenson
Not many people liked the new tree I planted.
It wasn’t very poplar.
What exam do young witches have to pass? A spell-ing test!
That skeleton over there wanted to ask you for your number, but, unlike me, he didn’t have the guts
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
Is it ad-out again? I’m going to hit my breaking point.
How many peaches can you fit inside two cans? It depends how big the Toucans are and if they eat peaches.
You must be a Candy bar because you appease me.
Are you teh Easter Bunny? Because you’ve spent the entire day hopping around in my head.
What is a frog’s favorite drink on a hot summer day?
Croak-o-cola.
Why did the donut go to a therapist?
He felt empty inside.
A father was buying bass lessons for his son.
After the 1st week, the father asked him what he had learned. The son said, "On my 1st lesson, we learned about the E string."
The 2nd week came, and after the lesson, the father asked what had he learned that week. The son said, "On my 2nd lesson, I learned about the A string."
When the 3rd week came by, the father said to his son, "You know these are expensive lessons. What have you learned this week?"
The son said, "I quit the lessons. I already got a gig."
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a bell?
An alarm cluck.
19 and 20 got into a fight.
21.
How does a mouse feel after it takes a shower?
Squeaky clean!
We must be near an airport, because my heart just took off when I saw you!
How do fish go into business?
The start on a small scale.
You can tell the gender of an ant by putting it on top of water. If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it doesn't, buoyant.
"Have You Ever Seen"
Have you ever seen a sheet on a river bed?
Or a single hair from a hammer’s head?
Has the foot of a mountain any toes?
And is there a pair of garden hose?
Does the needle ever wink its eye?
Why doesn’t the wing of a building fly?
Can you tickle the ribs of a parasol?
Or open the trunk of a tree at all?
Are the teeth of a rake ever going to bite?
Have the hands of a clock any left or right?
Can the garden plot be deep and dark?
And what is the sound of the birch’s bark?
What did the farmer say when someone complimented him on his corn harvest?
Aww, shucks!
Hello, eh. Girl your soft brown eyes remind me of the amazing beaver, eh.
I went to see a beet poet the other day. There were lots of hip peas there.
What is ice cream’s favorite TV show?
Game of Cones.
It's been a while since I heard jokes about people sitting on wet morning grass.
They're over dew.
How did that avocado baker make bread?
With avoca-dough.
So, how on earth did the police catch the watermelon thief without a solid description? Don’t really know; guess the bloke was acting seedy.
What is a European dragon’s favorite food?
Swiss charred.
Which fish can perform operations?
A Sturgeon.
Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems.
It was so hot that my gold jewelry melted.
Why don't orphans make good baseball players?
Because they don't know where home is.
Sorry, but I can only be with you twice.
That's Now...and Forever.
Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
Glow!
Glow who?
Glow worm!
If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?
Dead.
Why Don't Gymnasts Use Towels?
Cause they dumbbell dry.
What’s a skeleton’s favorite plant?
A bone-zai.
I recently met a musical group of pirates.
They called themselves A-Band-On-Ship.
What are strange donuts made out of?
Weird-doughs.
Girl, are you my Spotify playlist? ‘Cuz I wanna listen to you all day long.
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
What did the Mexican wrestler say after he ate a taco that was too spicy?
“It’s okay, I’ll just guac it off”
It's true what they say about scaring vampires with a torch.
You can see it in their fright of light response.
I won a contest extracting the most water from a towel, I'm now known as the....
Lord of the Wrings.
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
The anti-vax basketball team lost every game this season
Apparently they never take any shots.
I took my friends watch that had an LED flashlight on it.
Now it's my time to shine.
What is an ogre's favorite snack?
Y-ogre-t.
I wish your name was Avogadro because then I would already know your number.
I’m going green, if you know what I mean.
What do you call bears with no ears?
B.
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