What is an ogre's favorite snack?
Y-ogre-t.
I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.
The look on his face was priceless.
Why would the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch.
After trying out floss for the first time, I couldn't believe how nice it felt.
It truly was a breath of fresh air.
Do you know what they say about hockey players? They can always find the opening!
What kind of keys does a kid skeleton use on Halloween? Cook-keys.
What kind of person would sell someone a sham-rock?
A lepre-con!
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
Check your shelf before you wreck your shelf.
I got an email today saying I could win $10,000 in a fishing competition.
But I'm sure there's a catch involved somewhere.
How much caramel can a canny canonball cram in a camel if a canny canonball can cram caramel in a camel?
What do you call a happy penguin?
A penGRIN.
“The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it in your pocket.” – Kin Hubbard
What did you call an awesome geologist? A rockstar!
What do you name a synthetic parrot?
PollyEster
What do bees call wasps?
Wanna-bees.
“Yoga pants. Because jeans are stressful and you don’t need that in your life.” -Unknown
"If you feel bad at 10 miles, you're in trouble. If you feel bad at 20 miles, you're normal. If you don't feel bad at 26 miles, you're abnormal."
Rob de Castella
There was an Old Man with a flute,
A sarpint ran into his boot;
But he played daay and night,
Till the sarpint took flight,
And avoided that man with a flute.
Mermaids always drink mermosas.
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....
She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.
What do you call a rubber bumper on a yacht?
A shark absorber.
You know, you might be asked to leave soon. You're making the other women look really bad.
What’s the self-care mantra of elves after the holiday season ends?
“Treat yo’elf.”
There was an Old Man of the Hague,
Whose ideas were excessively vague;
He built a balloon
To examine the moon,
That deluded Old Man of the Hague.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will change the spelling.
What do you see at a funeral for a piece of fruit? Apple-bearer.
What do you call a Bee who is having a bad hair day? A Frisbee.
I used too much of my wife’s moisturizer after taking my shower this morning.
So I called in slick for work today.
What was the skeleton’s favorite Christmas candy?
Bone-bone.
How do French skeletons say hello?
- Bone-jour!
What do you call an apple that's been around the world? Johnny Appleseed.
What is a dog’s favorite movie series?
Fifty shades of Greyhound.
What does a mermaid say when she was leaving the party?
- Sea ya later.
Why were the melon lovers sad?
Because they cantaloupe.
Why don't we head to my bedroom, peel back my Star War sheets, and discover what a true Jedi can do with his lightsaber?
Man is Fatally Slain.
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer? Because his wife told him to ice it!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Water!
Water who?
Water way to answer the door!
Fall is coll-arding; it’s time to leave.
Did you hear about the lawyer who tried to sue a shark for biting all his limbs off?
He didn’t have a leg to stand on.
Where do saplings go to learn?
Elementree school
Distill my beating heart.
Why did the artist have to go to the bathroom right away? Because when you gotta Van Gogh, you gotta Van Gogh.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was bored of just standing there.
Once I visited France,
And learned a new, awesome dance.
I twirled,
And I swirled,
And then I lost my pants.
“The inventor of cobblestones was clearly not communicating with the inventor of luggage wheels.”
How about we go back to my place and form a covalent bond?
Grandmother Of Eight Makes Hole In One
Go to BabaMail
