I was hoping you wouldn't block my pop-up. You must've been made by Intel to be that hot!
What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I'm coming down with something!
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
I'm sorry I wasn't around in the past. Can I be part of your future?
What kind of hat does a skeleton wear at Easter?
A Bone-et.
Are you religious?
Because you're the answer to all my prayers.
I can think of an activity that'll make you sweat even more than a 90 minute hot yoga class...
One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.
What did the Gorilla say when he saw there was a sale happening?
Ooh! OOh! OOOh!!!!
What's a pun's best trait?
His pun-ctuality!
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
What's the first thing elves learn in school?
The "elf"-abet!
What type of person doesn’t like pizza?
A weir-dough.
I’m kind of a big dill.
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
Why couldn't the man 3D printing his face control his excitement?
He was getting a head of himself
“Thank you, the day after Thanksgiving, or as the makers of sweatpants call it, 'the busy season.'" — Jimmy Fallon
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.
Are you p>0.5, because I’d never reject you.
I followed my heart to you.
Baby if you were a burger at McDonalds you would be a McGorgeous.
Is chicken soup good for your health?
Not if you’re the chicken.
What kind of humor did the Founding Fathers partake in?
Dad jokes
I over boiled some venison broth earlier.
It was deerly mist.
"I'll always remember last night, but I think we can forget about tomorrow."
At what point will you love to change your bulbs the most?
When sparks fly.
“It’s a funny feeling to work with people who you consider your colleagues and to realize that they actually are young enough to be your children."
~ Alan Alda
Why did the computer crash?
It had a bad driver!
Knock knock!
Who is there?
Beaver
Beaver who?
Be-ware of the turbulent river.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
What do math and history have in common?
They both teach people about inequalities.
They found a plant that cures COVID-19!
It’s called plant yourself on the couch.
When you’re smooching with your honey, and your nose is kinda runny, you may think it’s kinda funny, but it snot.
What's the quickest way to a man's heart?
His chest.
[Water Slide] I was going to get some work done, but I decided to let it slide.
Don’t steal, don’t lie and don’t cheat.
The government hates competition.
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
Do you have an inhaler? You took my breath away.
Apple is announcing a new cell phone for children.
iKid you not.
Wanna make out in my Tundra Buggy?
A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”.
The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking?”
Wife: “This is me, talking to the wine.”
My love for you is like diarrhea. I can't hold it in.
What do you call Chewbacca when he has chocolate stuck in his hair? Chocolate Chip Wookiee.
What are pigs celebrating when they celebrate their birthday? The day they were boar-n.
What do you call a musical lime?
John Lemon.
Why are horses so good at the shooting range?
They’re hunters.
Flying for long distances is very Boeing at times
What do we call the basketball team that won the donuts championships? – dunkin donuts.
What kind of fish do you find in a bird cage?
A perch!
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