I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes.
Now I have Heinzsight.
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
Why was the geologist always depressed?
He had a hard rock life.
“Friends come and go, like the waves of the ocean, but the true ones stay, like an octopus on your face.”
— Unknown
What kind of sharks make good carpenters?
Hammerheads.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Amanda
Amanda who?
A man da fix your sink!
Why did the Ghosts win the soccer match? They scored more Ghouls.
Why was the Geologist expelled from Reform School? He was a dirty layer!
Why do ghosts and demons get along so well? Demons are a ghoul’s best friend.
What’s the capital of France?
The F.
What do you call a dinosaur that eats fireworks? A dino-mite
Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced.
It’s as if they were polar opposites.
How do winged horses walk if they become pirates?
Peg-asus legs.
What did communists use before candles?
Electricity.
What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire?
It’s a pain in the neck.
Take an Avonleap of faith and go on a date with me!
I'm going to combine my interests of taxidermy and bomb making
by making you an otter you can't defuse.
Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!
What is the correct answer to Hummus?
A cow.
What do aspens wear to school? A tree-shirt.
Somebody stole all my lamps… I couldn’t be more de-lighted!
Me and my ears hate badminton so much
It's making a racket.
When you come across a lost wolf, the first greeting should be, “how are you where-wolf”.
“Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.”
Erma Bombeck
Whose music do elves like the most?
Elf-is Presley.
What do you say when you're having dinner with a skeleton? Bone appetit!
Water you doing, my friend?
Why did the coffee call the police? Because it was mugged.
Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!
Did you ever hear about that movie constipation? It never came out.
What happens when a neurotransmitter falls in love with a receptor?
You get a binding relationship.
A plant is fine, a shrub is fine, but tree's a crowd.
Q: How can you tell if an elephant has been in your refrigerator?
By the footprints in the butter!
I'm investigating the tooth fairy, and it's going well...
I've managed to get a molar into her operation. I'm going to find out the tooth at the root of all this.
The nectarine academic is doing a Ph.D. in 'Peach and Language Psychology' from the University of Georgia.
Why did the coffee file a police report?
Because it was mugged.
Which classical Greek may have actually invented baseball?
Homer.
Avoid pier pressure.
You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic. -- Doris Egan
Are you German? Cuz you’re a Nein and I’m the one Ja need.
This time last year I was working as a computer programmer, installing auto correct. But out of nowhere..
.. I was fried for no raisin.
Rory the warrior and Roger the worrier were reared wrongly in a rural brewery.
What do you call a man with no legs and no arms resting on a porch?
Matt.
What's your hurry, baby? I Just want to take things Oslo.
What is a car’s favourite bug?
A beetle.
The lake did not like the river because it felt that the river was not very lake-able.
Why did the fruit bat eat the orange?
“Because it had appeal.”
What goes eek, eek, bang?
A mouse in a minefield!
Why did they arrest the volleyball player? They suspected foul play.
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