What stat do the Miami Dolphins lead every single year?
All Porpoise Yardage!
What do you call a perfume that missed its deadline?
Eau de too late.
The French real estate agent was very upset when their new listing was destroyed.
He said it was chateau-strophic!
You make my heart skip a beet.
Who’s an apple’s favorite relative?
Granny.
There is a German shepherd next door that keeps burying bones in my yard and taking poops on my flower bed.
His dog is not as bad.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
What does the fish say when she disagrees with her husband?
I don’t quite sea it that way.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
what a c*nt I think you are.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
Why can’t people hear your scream in the space? Because it’s miles away.
Why didn’t the horse tell her friend she was a thief?
She didn’t want to saddle her with that information.
Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. Too many tsunamis.
Old Norse cuisine is simply not to my Viking.
If I had a nickel for every time my roommate stole from me, he would have an extra $50.
Who turns the lights off on Halloween?
The light's witch.
Who would win a game of hide and seek between a dalmatian and a tiger? The tiger because he wouldn't be spotted.
What goes white black white black white black red?
A panda that falls from a cliff.
Why did you find a stoned able Sherlock Holmes applying ketchup to your front yard ??
Because he's a high-functioning sauce-your-path.
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine'.”
― Tommy Cooper
What does the ginger bread man put on his bed? A cookie sheet.
“Money may not buy happiness, but I’d rather cry in a Jaguar than on a bus.”
– Francoise Sagan
What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.
My mom's sister once mistook Ritalin for aspirin...
It really upped the aunty!
Why didn't the bicycle want to go anywhere?
It was two tired.
What did the man say after he slipped and fell on the ice. Nothing he just gave everyone the cold shoulder.
Skier in ER: Doc, I slipped on my way to the chairlift.
Doctor: Icy.
Why did the dog go to the bank?
To make a de-paws-it. But unfortunately, there was a mastiff line.
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thick, say it quick!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thicker, say it quicker!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Don't eat with your mouth full!
My dog loves poetry.
Especially William Shakes-paw.
I was going to joke about my broken pencil, but it was pointless.
I asked a pink bird who its favourite artist was. It looked at me strangely and replied “Flamingo Starr, of course.”
What’s orange with bad hair and hears ‘boo’ a lot?
A haunted pumpkin with a wig.
Why did the volleyball player have ropes and shoe strings? They wanted to tie the score.
Where do electricians get their supplies? The Ohm Depot.
There are more planes under the oceans than there are submarines up in the skies. Let that sink in...
I'll be kicking myself if I don't get to know you better.
I asked the librarian for the new book on erectile dysfunction.
She typed on her keyboard and said "It's not coming up!"
I said "Yeah, that's the one!!"
Why do they give men Viagra in the old folks home?
To keep them from rolling out of bed.
When were Medieval armies too tired to fight?
When they had a lot of sleepless knights!
Mooning is very ASStrological
“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
Will Rogers
Q: Which pretty actress was an ancient Egyptian favorite?
A: Pharaoh Fawcett
People who use sleeping bags in the woods are soft tacos for bears.
What’s an apple’s favorite movie? Mr and Mr Smith.
I went deep sea diving and a mollusk wanted to give me a hug!
Damn cuddlefish.
I phoned OK magazine the other day. They answered and said "Hello?", so I said "Sorry, wrong number," and hung up.
What happened when the beer got divorced?
It became bitter.
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