What did the pepperoni say to the cook?
You wanna pizza me?
What punishment do legs get in the medieval era?
decapita-shin
Why did the dog cross the road twice?
He was playing Fetch with a boomerang.
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
Steven Wright
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
Did you know I’m a flower? Because I just need somebudy like you.
I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress. -- Ronald Reagan
what does Stalin use to wipe his mouth?
A Soviette.
Why did Mrs. Wine Grape run away from home?
She was tired of raisin a family.
I'm gonna be on you like alligator on wildebeest.
"By 35, if I’m not engaged or already starting a family, I declare myself the aunt who’s always traveling & comes to family events tipsy."
Hey sugar-buns, do you play Center? Wanna be the center of my attention?
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
September and October are considered to be the best months of the year, I say this from the b-autumn of my heart.
What do Krakens eat?
Fish and ships.
Do you prefer stiff or limp fishing rods?
What do you call a cow on the barnyard floor? Ground Beef What do you call a cow with no front legs? Lean Beef
What did the Soup Nazi say to the canine? What Soup Dawg.
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal? Megadeth by Chocolate.
What do trees drink at their parties? Root beer.
By the seat of one’s punt
What will a space turkey say to another one? Hubble Hubble.
In my nursing class we just learned how to bathe people... can I practice on you?
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.
Paula Poundstone
Why isn’t there an organization like Chocoholics Anonymous?
Because nobody wants to quit.
Why was the boxer fired from his job?
He never punched out.
Pennies and quarters rain from the sky
"Wow!" I say. "It's climate change!"
This date just made my day Emil-ion times better
What do you call a owl dance party that only plays folk music?
A hootenanny.
I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ. -- Mahatma Ghandi
"What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?"
- George Carlin
Are you a dentist? Because my heart beats faster when I see you.
What’s black, white and red all over?
A penguin with a sunburn.
A tree's limbs fell off in a storm, now it's an amputree.
What do you call dangerous amounts of precipitation?
A rain of terror.
I have a pogo stick made out of vegetables. It’s a spring onion.
Girl is your name baseball? Cause I just want to hit it with you.
Did you hear about how deodorant lead to the capture of a cold war agent?
The scent of old spies gave him away.
“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it.” — Groucho Marx
Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.
How do you get rid of a witch’s hex?
Draw a hex-a-gone.
"The best part of waking up is still a mystery to me."
— Uknown
What kind of candy never arrives on time? Chocolate
I'm going to get the numbers 1 through 30 tattooed up my arm.
That way people can always count on me.
“If you think about a Thanksgiving dinner, it’s really like making a large chicken.” —Ina Garten
In space, no one can hear us scream.
“If only God would give me a clear sign, like making a large deposit in my swiss bank account." ~ Woody Allen
What is a koala bear’s favorite line in the movie “The Sixth Sense”? “Aussie dead people.”
Where can you read about planets exploding?
In the orbituaries.
Girl I just gotta get you. Call it animal instinct.
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