My doctor told me to cut down on red meat.
So, could you brown it up a bit?
What did the clean dog say to the dirty dog?
Long time no flea.
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There would be mass confusion.
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
I can’t decide how to finish this wooden sign telling my parrot that she’s become a member of the Scottish aristocracy
Polyurethane?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Justin time for dinner.
Why did the birdie go to the hospital? To get a tweetment.
You must sprinkle extra sugar in your cereal in the morning...
Why, because I'm so sweet?
No, because you're really fat.
It was hot today and when I went outside I saw there was a line of guys standing outside the hairdressers. I thought to myself, "Such a lovely day to have a barber queue".
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
I was named after my dad
Because I couldn’t possibly have been named before him.
It’s a season of giving, so you should give me your phone number.
What do you call a group of crows who see food?
A tempted murder.
Why shouldn't you feed elves shellfish?
It makes them crabby!
Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water?
He had a very esteemed colleague.
You like curling? Check out me curling my biceps!
What did the teaching tree do when it went overseas? It took a leaf of absence!
If you're Russian when you go to the bathroom, and you're Finnish when you come out of it, what are you when you're inside?
European!
Why did the elephant start the stampede?
Because it wanted to be herd.
What did the ocean say to the pirate?
Nothing, it just waved!
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.
There’s two balloons in the desert. One says look out for that cactus!
The other goes What Cactussssss...
What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? One is a bottom-dwelling, scum-sucking scavenger and the other is a fish!
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
Why did the penguin cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.
What did the beaver say after she slipped in water?
Dam it.
What do you call a cat that has a hundred legs? A cat-erpillar.
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
My friend has an excellent nose for wine...
It's shaped like a corkscrew!
I don’t know what the trick is, but you certainly are a treat.
I thought about studying the astronomy for my university. But then I thought, I would just be taking up space.
What did France, Great Britain, and their allies say after The Great War?
World War Won.
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
What do you always get on your birthday?
Another year older.
I had to carry a group of crows once.
It was murder on my back!
I’m like the Jean Baptiste-Colbert of relationships. I never trade with anyone else.
What do you get when you cross a dog and a frog?
A Croaker Spaniel.
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock in a pestilential prison with a life-long lock, awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock from a cheap and chippy chopper with a big, black block.
It's so cold that trees are chopping themselves into firewood.
This limerick isn’t a stretch.
It’s about an unfortunate wretch.
A werewolf pursued him.
How did he elude him?
He threw it a stick and yelled, “Fetch!”
The chocolate couple decided to rent a two bedroom sweet for their summer honeymoon.
I was watching a chess champion vs a boxing champion match.
The chess player had a mean right rook!
R2D2 is the most obscene character in film history
They had to beep out every word he said.
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
What do you call a pig who can’t mind his own business?
A nosey porker!
Why didn’t the newlyweds plant any flowers this spring?
They were too busy planting kisses!
An angry fruit yells at traffic in front of them
“Mango!”
The perfume was very cheap.
It's price was in cents.
How will you save yourself if you come across an aggressive alien? Give him some space.
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