I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
Where’s the best place to find out information about pistachios?
The inter-nut.
What medication does a snake with hay fever take?
An antihissstamine.
Error 404: Your number is not found on my phone.
My real estate agent lied. He said my house had a 1,000 carpet area, but I could barely fit in 4 cars and 4 dogs in there...
I'm pretty sure all history teachers are necromancers
They only care about the dead.
Why are cherries unassuming? Because they often get made into humble pie.
What do frogs do with paper?
Rip-it.
You'd make for some real smooth sailing
An Indonesian Giant stubbed his foot on a volcano...
- Did he Krakatoa?
How do you know when a cephalopod has been using your toilet?
Squid marks.
Your name must be trigonometry, because you make me want to cry.
I could say that I wandered lonely as a cloud before I met you, but what are these Wordsworth if you won't go out with me?
I was going to tell a joke about the natural disaster in the Indian Ocean
But it was too Tsunami.
My father always taught me to be prepared for any emergency. I was on the ball when the streets flooded...
I was ready and wading!
If a crocodile never admits he is wrong, he must be in de-nile..
I found my friend using a round-edged knife to cut his steak
it wasn't really sharp of him.
Two snakes parted.
The first one said, “Fangs for the memories”.
The fact is your refractive index is greater than 2.42. That means you shine brighter than a diamond!
What do you do to a female news anchor who breaks a leg?
You put her in a broadcast.
What do you get when your dog jumps into the fire pit? A hot dog.
What did the zombie say when she fell out with her vampire friend?
- You're dead to me!
Is your name Summer? Because you are hot!
How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? Knock on the door.
My decision to become a Hindu was a missed steak
I've seen a lot of Canada, but you could take me to the top of the world.
Which local sportswriters are most effusive? Those who work in the praise
box!
The mossbacks could not connect with the new developments, so the bill was hot
down at the senate.
Hey baby, I think I'm going blind. Because I can't see you anymore.
How do you get a musician off your front porch?
Pay for the pizza.
If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...
Are you testing its utensil strength?
There was an Old Man on some rocks,
Who shut his wife up in a box;
When she said, 'Let me out!'
He exclaimed, 'Without doubt,
You will pass all your life in that box.'
“If pessimism is despair, optimism is cowardice and stupidity. Is there any need to choose between them?”
- Francis Parker Yockey
Why do Minotaurs make terrible detectives?
Because they hate to go on steak-outs!
Can you give me directions to your heart? I've seemed to have lost myself in your eyes.
How do you know when a potato is in a bad mood? When they are acting salty
“You can kid the world, but not your sister.”—Charlotte Gray
Why was the sedimentary rock so cheap? It was always on shale.
Q. What do gorillas and big apes do to make each other laugh?
A. They tell punny jokes about humans!
“Why can’t the morning news ever say ‘Today has been canceled, now go back to sleep.”
– Unknown
What did the fruit lover say after he met a girl?
I’ve got a date
My name is Romeo, will you be my Juliet?
Why did the Easter bunny fire the duck?
He kept quacking all the eggs.
My heart is as desolate as Saskatchewan without you.
What do horses get after graduating university?
A pedegree.
Dear Turkey, don't worry... they only love us for our breasts too. Sincerely, all women.
What do you say when a fruit wins the talent show? How about them apples?
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road, rolls in the dirt, crosses the road again, and then rolls in the dirt again?
A dirty double-crossing chicken.
When the time came, he betrayed our team and showed his blue colors.
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
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