What do neurons use to talk to each other?
Cellular phones.

What

My deaf girlfriend just told me, “We need to talk.”
That is not a good sign.

I wrote you a song, but it’s not very good
I wanted to serenade you, the best way I could
But it came out more, like a list of complaints
Because as much as I love you
Some days you drive me insane

(Anonymous)

What types of plants do you get after you plant kisses? Tulips.

What do horses like to put on their egg salad sandwiches?
MayoNAYS!

“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”

- Andy Rooney.

What do you call coffee made from poo?
Crappuccino.

What do all the onions decide to do over unfair wages? They decide to form a labor onion.

Why didn't the hipster swim in the river? It was too mainstream.

What did the Endoplasmic Reticulum say to the Golgi. I like your body, and the Golgi said it's complex.

Why don't potatoes go to parties?
They're scared of the Monster Mash.

"On cloud wine."

"Night Noises"

My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.

It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.

A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!

At last I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."

– Alan Balter

Why don’t giraffes make good pets?
They’re too high maintenance.

"Don’t forget to drink water and get some sun. You’re basically a houseplant with more complicated emotions."

You couldn't cut the s*xual tension in here with a Yellowknife.

"It's wine o'clock."

How does an octopus go to war?
Well-armed!

Roses are red, violets are blue,
White wine costs less than a dinner for two.

Hunting elephants is illegal as ivory well know.

What do you call a Pig with three eyes?
Piiig.

"Private! I didn't see you at camouflage practice today!"
"Thank you sir!"

The chicken farmer died under mysterious circumstances.
The police suspect fowl play.

Where do beavers go for a hair cut? To the bobber shop.

What do you call a noisy group of crows?
A caw-cophony!

Why did the log fall into a creek? Because that's how it ROLLS!

My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied
I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified.”

Which Habs great once worked as a janitor? Broom-Broom Geoffrion.

Your lab or my lab?

Programmer.
A person who fixed a problem that you don't know you have, in a way you don't understand.

What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back

Rory the warrior and Roger the worrier were reared wrongly in a rural brewery.

The Greeks make the best cheese
You feta believe it!

Are you cake? Cause I want a piece of that.

If it weren’t for the summer sun, you’d be the hottest thing ever created.

Why are 40 romans funny?
Because they are XD.

"It’s easy to meet expenses, everywhere we go, there they are." ~ Anonymus

When a girl saw a sad alligator at the zoo she asked him; hey are you cai-man?

Excuse me, I believe one of your ribs belongs to me.

I'm going to discuss global warming on Sunday at a debate. It's a very heated topic.

Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.

What do you call a dog that comes back from the dead?
A zom-beagle.

I Wanna Be Your Man

What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake? "What's eating you?"

I got fired from my job as a train operator and my job as a lightning rod.
I guess I'm just a bad conductor.

"Mom look! I’m a 3D printer!"
"Ugh Tommy, close the door when you poop."

How many Chinese folks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They don't change lightbulbs, then just dim sum.

To whom did the squirrel go to seek out his fortune.
Nutradamus.

You must be a keyboard. Because you're just my type.

Why are fish so smart?
They are always in schools!