Do you know why the U.S. Navy always keeps at least two canaries on board each of their submarines?
Because everyone knows that if you have a big sub you also need a good set of tweeters.

The viking Rudolph the Red looked outside and proclaimed it was going to rain.

His wife asked him, “What makes you say that?”

He replied, “Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”

A bunch of crows ganged up and killed a chicken.
It was a murder most fowl.

Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist,
While you were arguing over that glass of water, I drank it.

-Opportunist

Canary-birds feed on sugar and seed,
Parrots have crackers to crunch;
And, as for the poodles, they tell me the noodles
Have chickens and cream for their lunch.
But there’s never a question
About MY digestion—
Anything does for me!

Cats, you’re aware, can repose in a chair,
Chickens can roost upon rails;
Puppies are able to sleep in a stable,
And oysters can slumber in pails.
But no one supposes
A poor Camel dozes—
Any place does for me!

...

People would laugh if you rode a giraffe,
Or mounted the back of an ox;
It’s nobody’s habit to ride on a rabbit,
Or try to bestraddle a fox.
But as for a Camel, he’s
Ridden by families—
Any load does for me!

(Charles E. Carryl)

Some types of meat like to play around a lot. These are generally the game types.

When you meet someone, you don't want to get off to a bad art!

My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with Linkin Park. But in the end, it doesn't even matter.

You know what they say? Words.

I expected a call last night, so I slept with my phone under my pillow.
When I woke up it was gone, and there was a dollar coin in its place?!
Must have been the Bluetooth Fairy...

“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”

- George Carlin.

Why do Minotaurs make terrible detectives?
Because they hate to go on steak-outs!

What did the father cantaloupe say to his son?
“Watermelon! (Water-my-lawn)”

Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.

I was astonished when my shirt's color changed from red to pink after a wash. Guess it showed me its true colors.

Some see a puddle of mosquito larva.
I see a pool of enbitenment.

How do you beat a robot in a fist fight
Socket in the jaw.

I am lucky to live in an airport, but whenever the guard comes out at night, Heathrows me out.

Psychologist: What brings you here today?
Squirrel: I realized I am what I eat….. Nuts.

Yetis have declared their own independent state in the Himalayas.
It's an abomi-nation.

"I can tell by your sarcastic undertones, rude comments, and sheer lack of common decency that we should be best friends."
— Unknown

My favorite restaurant started serving a superhero-themed skillet breakfast.
Turns out it was just The Flash in a pan.

If you were in the jungle, and a gorilla charged you, what should you do?
Pay him.

“You are one yoga class away from a good mood.” – Unknown

“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you.”
— Unknown

There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.

"The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass."
Martin Mull

"The idea is to die young as late as possible." - Ashley Montagu

In a conversation between one pin and another, one said, “Let us never split.”

I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.

This is snow laughing matter!

Please stop with all the corona jokes.
I‘m sick of it.

"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts

What do you ask a medieval crustacean when you want them to feel the music?
Art thou feeling it now Mr. Krabs?

My wife used to love being called my trophy wife.
Until she overheard me explain to my friends that it's a Participation Trophy.

The ghost scared all the boys who ventured into the haunted house and then varnished into the almirah!

Donut even think about taking another donut!

“Nutrition labels should include a “What if I ate the whole thing” section.”
― Unknown

Don’t be a jerk-o-lantern this Halloween — share your candy!

Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes?
To make them light and fluffy.

I love the way you look at me,
The sharpness of your gaze.
The way I hold you my arms,
You keep me in a haze.
I love the scent you bring with you, when you come into my home.
You bring me so much happiness,
I can’t leave you alone.
You pale them in comparison,
The rest cannot do better.
You are my favorite in the world,
I love you so much, Cheddar.

What did one chicken say to the other after they walked through poison ivy?
“You scratch my beak and I’ll scratch yours!”

Someone just asked me to sing any line from "Don't go breaking my heart."
I couldn't if I tried.

"Go home! Go home! Go home! With me."
- Family Matters

Why do tigers always hunt and eat their prey raw? Because they don't know how to cook it.

Have a s-mash-ing birthday!

My moment in the sun.

You are one well-defined function!

What cartoon do horses like to watch?
Whinny the Pooh.

I rarely put orange slices in my beer.
Once in a Blue Moon.