Why did the penguin cross the road twice?
To prove he wasn’t chicken.
"It’s bad manners to let vacation wait!"
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
I loaf you.
"You're a real good egg."
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
"When I asked you to water the plants,
I did not expect you'd unzip your pants."
- Mike Garofalo
Alone in his pen.
Sits solemn and scared,
For they 'did in' his hen.
They took her off Sunday,
Then snuffed out her life.
And now he's alone,
Cause they've eaten his wife.
Thanksgiving now over,
He preens with relief.
He can muster a gobble,
Along with his grief.
He pecks round his pen,
For some 'scratch' sprinkled there.
Grows quite happy again,
Not remotely aware . .
That Christmas is coming
For family and friend,
And for Christmas, at dinner;
They'll eat turkey again.
- Diane Lefebvre
What is a cheese lover’s favorite track and field event?
The curdles.
Why shouldn't you shop at the Banana Republic? Because the employees look like a bunch of dicks.
Why did the flower take her husband back after he cheated?
She rose above it.
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
What do you get when you plant a Donut?
A pastree.
Once, a wizard had cursed a knight and turned him into a bird. To express his sorrow, he sang throughout the entire day because he had become a knightingle.
What do you call a famous inmate? A cellebrity.
Why did the fold get arrested?
Because it was caught rolling a joint.
You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe beside you, and you're being chase by a lion.
What do you do?
Get your drunk butt off the carousel.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
What do you call a drunk person fumbling with their car keys?
A taxi
“Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn’t block traffic.”
– Dan Rather
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite year?
A leap year.
Are you heading to India? 'Cause I'd Goa anywhere with you!
I’m never board when I’m at the pool.
What did the astronaut’s fiancé say when he proposed to her in open outer space? She said, “I can’t breathe!”
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
Did you know there are 206 bones in the human body? Would you mind one more?
The story of the chicken and cow running away together sounds like a cock and bull story to me.
"Go home! Go home! Go home! With me."
- Family Matters
A man just attacked me with cheese and milk.
How dairy!
It’s so hot you can pull a leaf off a tree and iron with it.
I wrote you a song, but it’s not very good
I wanted to serenade you, the best way I could
But it came out more, like a list of complaints
Because as much as I love you
Some days you drive me insane
(Anonymous)
"Rosé all day."
“The only certainty in this life is that Monday comes for everyone. A little humor to face at the beginning of the week always goes well. How about starting Monday smiling?”
Q. Which doe did all the stags and bucks sing about in the 1960s?
A. Deer Prudence.
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
“Yoga. Because punching people is frowned upon.” — Anonymous
Why don’t you see penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced.
It’s as if they were polar opposites.
It's so cold that the rock rattling around in your shoe is your toe.
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack. His heart lost.
What is the difference between a pineapple and a school bus? The little pricks are on the inside of the bus, but on the outside of the pineapple.
“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst
Are you from Mars? ‘cuz I wanna explore you with curiosity?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dozen.
Dozen who?
Dozen anybody want to let me in?
Why are pilots so bad at basketball?
Because they're always traveling.
A boy lines up to get some apple juice and a girl lines up to get some orange juice
This would be funny but there’s no punchline.
Where do hippos go to university? Hippocampus.
Oh wow sorry – I just got l’Austin your eyes.
What did the male stamen say to the female pistil? "I like your style."
Someone stole my wig!
That was a bald move.
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