I'll be home for Christmas—and I want you to come with me.
Why did the worm cross the playground?
To get to the underground slide!
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Needle.
Needle who?
Needle little love right now.
What do you get when you cross Elon Musk and lobster bisque? A souped up car.
I invented a new word today. Plagiarism.
Which state of America has lots of cats and dogs? Petsylvania
We are mint to be.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!
They told me I was too old to hunt for Easter eggs, but the jokes on them!
I prefer mine poached.
What's the difference between a cat and a frog? A Cat has nine lives but a Frog croaks every night!
Did you hear about the hairdresser? She dyed.
I’ll think of another pun soon…
Just bear with me.
My dog hates the rain.
He doesn’t want to step in a poodle.
Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.
If two witches were watching two watches: which witch would watch which watch?
What does a tiger say to his friends before eating a meal? "Let us prey!"
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”—Phyllis Diller
The fact that I'm missing some teeth only means that there's more room for your tongue.
Why shouldn't you feed elves shellfish?
It makes them crabby!
Wow, you’re such a catch. I could never let you Chlo-e.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
When does it rain brains?
During a brain storm.
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
why are the discarded papers that once held the halloween candy just like vocalists who have lost their rhythm, art, and poetry?
they are both empty rappers
Blue and green stopped fighting because they had agreed on peace teal.
My dad always said the secret to theatre was to always leave them wanting more.
He was a great guy but a terrible anaesthetist.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
I'd love to serve a 5 minute penalty in your box.
Easter? I hardly even knew her.
My dad hates the ocean, but the other day he bought a boat.
He never could resist a good sail.
What do real estate agents have to be thankful for this year?
Lots.
“Flying is hours and hours of boredom sprinkled with a few seconds of sheer terror.”
- Gregory “Pappy” Boyington
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
What is a deer’s favorite meal of the day?
“Deer-ner.”
Why did the pig break up with her boyfriend?
Because he was a boar.
My love for you is like an marathon. It goes on and on.
What cosmetic does DNA put on?
Genetic makeup.
What is a car’s favourite bug?
A beetle.
Once upon a time, there was a king who loved traveling through tunnels. The people gave him the name: Alex-Under."
I could go on and on about Salming but I don't want to Borje.
Q: Why did the wind turbine blush?
A. It broke wind.
Dr. Frankenstein just placed an order on Amazon.
It wasn't expensive, but I imagine the shipping cost him an arm and a leg.
You’re more special than relativity.
What kind of humor did the Founding Fathers partake in?
Dad jokes.
Beach you to it.
Police chief: Do you have any leads or suspects for the murder case? Me: I'd like to interview the bartender wearing high heels and a leopard print dress.
Police chief: Please just wear your police uniform.
"Who’s In?"
“The door is shut fast
And everyone’s out.”
But people don’t know
what they’re talking about!
Say the fly on the wall,
And the flame on the coals,
And the dog on his rug,
And the mice in their holes,
And the kitten curled up,
And the spiders that spin-
“What, everyone out?
Why, everyone’s in!”
– Elizabeth Fleming
"I'd like to make a toast!", said the bread to the bride on her wedding day.
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
What is a bear’s favorite soda?
Coca Koala.
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