What kind of helmet does a hermit crab wear?
A shell-met!
I could’ve sworn I had your number. I guess you’re going to have to put it on my phone again.
What do you call young avocados?
Avokiddos.
Composers always score.
I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics...
But graphing is where I draw the line!
Scientists believe that one day we will find Sasquatch, just...
Not Yeti.
"Summer vacations are a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid."
It's so cold that polar bears wear jackets.
Hi, I’m writing a phone book, can I have your number?
"Once the travel bug bites there is no known antitode, and I know that I shall be happily infected until the end of my life."
- Michael Palin
When the orange started peeling, he was glad it was finally cutting some weight.
I'm a proverbs 32 kind of guy and you're a proverbs 31 kinda woman.
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
What is the national fruit of Afghanistan?
Talibanana.
What do you call a field full of epileptic lettuce ?
Seizure Salad
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Parton!
Parton who?
Parton my French!
What do you get when you cross a giraffe and a pig?
Bacon and legs.
What do you call a giant that's good at football?
Goaliath.
If we played hot potato I’d lose, because I’d never let you go.
What is the most popular console with the vikings?
The axe-box
What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit?
Floss Vegas.
What does Bigfoot do to relax in his spare time?
He goes bird squatching!
You’d better be a cardiologist because something about you makes me want to give you my heart.
English can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.
What is a dog’s favorite movie about dinosaurs?
Jurassic Bark.
What would you call a singer who's really scared of medusa?
A rockstar.
What do you call a low-quality Russian composer, pianist, and conductor of the late Romantic period?
Knockmaninoff.
My dad refused to accept that he was not hiking in a mountain called Mt. McKinley
He was in Denali.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
What did they call prehistoric sailing disasters? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
I was walking past the store today when I saw a sign saying, "All items one-third off."
So I bought a dozen eggs. Unfortunately four of them were rotten.
What happened to the man who didn’t pay his exorcist? His house was repossessed.
If you're here for pee jokes, urine luck.
Why did the whale cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
Starlight, Starbright, why don’t you come home with me tonight!
Which Oiler great had a soft spot for Indian food? Jari Curry.
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
What you call the Ghost of a Chicken? Poultry-geist.
What's an inmates favorite place to hangout? At the bars.
Which rangy centre could cover the whole ice? Jean Umbrelliveau.
I will only give someone a kleenex if I've known them for a long time.
I guess you could say I have trust-tissues.
How does a restaurant get the freshest ingredients? They cut a dill.
Where do pianists go on vacation?
The Florida Keys.
What do you get when you cross a strict school teacher with a vampire?
Lots of blood tests.
What do you get when you put Cola in an oven?
Baking soda.
I think there'll be a ferry-tale ending to this trip.
What do all French cars come with as standard?
A spare wheel of cheese.
When I was in grade school, one of my best friends spoke Mandarin. One day, he introduced me to his parents and I told them I don’t speak orange.
“Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge.”
Tom Waits
I got a packet of onions from the supermarket yesterday. Somehow, by today, all of them have disappeared. Guess this is why the shopkeeper warned me not to buy Bermuda Onions.
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