You can always find the little cows eating lunch inside the calf-etiria.

When I see you, I feel like I am going to reach my melting point.

Hey babe do you need crutches? Cause I can’t stand you anymore.

“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain

We just got a new chicken-proof lawn, it's impekkable.

The cold weather always comes towards the end of the year weather you like it or not.

What’s a vampire’s favorite cocktail?
A Bloody Mary.

This relationship is kinda like the Superbowl LIII halftime show; I can’t wait for it to be over.

I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...
I really need to wash some mugs.

You have me greening from ear to ear.

You had to use rennet to curdle the milk for making Ricotta, not lemon juice!
This is not the right whey.

Programmer.
A person who fixed a problem that you don't know you have, in a way you don't understand.

My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!

"There’s a reason why forty, fifty, and sixty don’t look the way they used to and it’s not because of feminism, or better living through exercise. It’s because of hair dye." Nora Ephron

Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?

Me: No, just the regular one

I've stopped paying $6 for sham poo
After all, I make my own DIY genuine poo every morning.

I accidently sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.

hat did the pizza slicer say when he wanted to rob the pizza?
“Hand over the dough or I’ll cut you!”

Who was the greatest dog detective?
Sherlock Bones.

What is Medusa’s favorite cheese?
Gorgonzola.

What did one deoxygenated blood cell say to the other?
We're all in vain.

Why should you never mess with a Gladiator who knows his English literature?
First he'll bellowulf at you, then he'll shakespeare

Ghosts drop off their babies at the day-scare centre when they go to work.

An army of werewolves is known as a Fur-eign Legion.

What does the mummy parrot say to her baby? Beak-areful!

May the mass times acceleration be with you.

Soup is only musical when it is piping hot.

What’s a llama’s favorite movie?
Alpacalypse Now.

What do you call a funny snake?
Hissssssterical.

Charles Dickens might have given you Great Expectations, but I can meet them.

"Messy Room"

Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater's been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or--
Huh? You say it's mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!

– Shel Silverstein

"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman

Why did the pianist quit playing the piano?
Bad Bach.

Catherine and Peter performed great in 'Dancing with the Tsar'last night. But Ivan was terrible.

Why is a robot engineer never lonely? Because he’s always making new friends.

"It is true that speed kills. In distance running, it kills anyone who does not have it."
Brooks Johnson

Mother always knows best. But when winter comes around, Mother Nature snows best.

“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray

Why do Geologists go to Lollapalooza? To get their "Rock" On.

I asked my dog why he was having a bad day.
But all he said was “ruff”.

“Being a couch potato is dangerous, someone may get hungry and eat you!”
― Unknown

Why did Dr. Frankenstein hire Igor as his assistant?
He had a hunch about him.

“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”

I wish I was your coronary artery so that I could be wrapped around your heart.

Ariana look-out for someone to date? Because look no further!

What does a brain do when it sees a friend across the street?
Gives a brain wave.

Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”

“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.

The plumber was working on the side to become an artist.
Unfortunately, he couldn't find a faucet for his creativity.

What happens if you break the brain scanner?