Why did the man put the cake in the freezer?
Because his wife told him to ice it!
What’s black and white and goes round and round?
A panda stuck in a revolving door.
Do you know what you call the outside of a watermelon?
“Rind of.”
What’s it called your backpack messes up your spine?
Schooliosis !
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
The wind is following a new workout program. It’s called air conditioning.
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.
A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.
She rejects them all.
“Well you tell me what you want then.”
“I want a divorce.” she replies.
“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
My dad is going through heart failure, and the first text that I get from him after sending him a card says:
“No more corny jokes, now just corn-orary jokes.”
Q. Which doe did all the stags and bucks sing about in the 1960s?
A. Deer Prudence.
You're not allowed to eat teeth
It's for-bitten.
“The worst thing about being a tourist is having other tourists recognize you as a tourist!”
– Russell Baker
It’s not often that you find an eye anywhere but on the face. Cows, however, have a rib eye.”
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
“I don’t need the facts. I’m a Pisces.”
— Phil Volatile
My dad's nickname is lightning.
That way I can tell my friends I've been struck by lightning multiple times.
How did Reese eat her ice cream? Witherspoon.
Why did the chicken join a band?
Because it already had drumsticks.
Where do bats keep their money?
The blood bank.
What did the woodworm say to the chair?
It's been nice gnawing you.
Wanna know why I like to do yard work?
It really takes the hedge off!
The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI.
Boy: (Mimicking the sound of an ambulance) Girl: Why are you doing that? Boy: It’s the ambulance. The paramedics are coming to pick me up after I saw you, my heart just stopped.
Where does the Japanese mafia take a bath?
In a yakuzzi.
My wife said we needed to have a serious talk about my obsession with furniture.
I said we could table it for now.
Why did the two boa constrictors get married?
Because they had a crush on each other.
You’re the pumpkin pie of my eye.
My local restaurant recently lost out on an entire order of the best local beef. No one has herd what happened to it.
"The Upside-Down World"
I know a place that holds the Sky
A place where little white clouds lie;
The edge is all green as Grass,
The middle is as smooth as Glass;
And there the round sun makes his Bed;
And there a tree stands on its Head;
Sometimes a Bird sits on that Tree;
Sometimes it sings a song to me;
And always in that shining place
I see a little smiling Face;
She nods and smiles; but all the same
The Girl down there won’t tell her name.
– Hamish Hendry
There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.
Son, your mother died. It happened when she choked on her dinner from laughing.
You could say I have a killer sense of humor.
What happened if vampires came to a big dance?
A bat ball.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Etch.
Etch who?
Bless you.
How do you tell the difference between a rabbit and a gorilla?
A rabbit looks nothing like a gorilla
Why do kids love to clean out the cookie jar for Halloween? To make room for Halloween candy.
I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.
Why did the vegan go deep-sea fishing? Just for the halibut!
Please wine me and dine me,
Please show me a good time,
After all, I’m a lady,
And I even can rhyme!
What’s green and pecks on trees?
Woody the Wood Pickle.
What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller.
Why do beavers make the best neighbors?
Because they mind their own dam business.
How did Burger King get Dairy Queen Pregnant? He forgot to wrap his whopper!
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman
When I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend
But it was just my imaginasian.
What is the camels’ favorite nursery rhyme?
Humpty dumpty.
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
What color are military submarines?
Deep navy
Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his dessert?
Cause he was stuffed.
Once I got peas stuck in my ear. I had to make people re-pea-t themselves.
“No animal, according to the rules of animal-etiquette, is ever expected to do anything strenuous, or heroic, or even moderately active during the off-season of winter.” — Kenneth Grahame
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