What cartoon do horses like to watch?
Whinny the Pooh.
What is a popular name for girl peanuts?
Michelle.
What is it called when a tree stabs his friend in the back?
A be-tree-yal
What do you call a meal from the moon?
A satellite dish.
Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
Quasimodo was the best detective in France.
He always had a hunch.
What did one body of water say to the other?
"Do you sea what I sea?"
I was very surprised to hear those insane rapping skills from my green onions. It had lived up to its name of rapscallion.
get nervous when I fly; do you mind if I hold your hand?
“What do you call an elf that runs away from Santa’s Workshop? A rebel without a Claus.”
It’s so cold you could rob me with a bucket of water right now!!
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
A friend failed his medical exam when he X-rayed his lower torso.
He didn’t put his heart into it.
All seals live at the same elevation
Seal level.
Chuck Norris doesn't ever call the wrong number. You just answer the wrong phone.
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
I once knew a man who lived in a jar.
For a stranger sight you’d have to go far.
I asked him once why he lived in a jar.
He grimaced and said, how bizarre you are.
My jar’s so cozy, warm and bright,
Even in the full moonlight.
The only drawback is, you see,
Getting out quickly when I have to pee.
(Irwin Mercer)
He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.
Why did the Pilgrims want to sail to America in the spring?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers!
I hear this house is haunted… we better stick together.
Why couldn’t the dog say, “Ahhh”?
Because the cat got his tongue.
"Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons."
- Dave Barry
What can't cows stand on their hind legs?
Because they lactose.
Why did the girl walk into the ice cream store with an umbrella?
She heard there were going to be sprinkles
Did you hear about the vampire who only had one fang?
He just had to grin and bare it.
Some cherry puns are just pit-i-ful.
Where did the spinach go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
I hate being bipolar...
It's great!
“Have your elf a merry little Christmas.”
How was the lepre-con caught?
By an under-clover police officer!
Any noise annoys an oyster but a noisy noise annoys an oyster more.
Ireland is a little lamb-boyant.
I’m saving money for bushes to plant around the yard when my career is over...
It’s my retirement hedge fund.
I don't bite you know - unless it's called for.
“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.” — Henny Youngman
I give roughing a whole new definition.
If you were a Transformer you'd be Optimus Fine!
A sunburned murder of crows is referred to as 1st, 2nd and 3rd degree.
Some folks call me a sausage dog
I think they couldn’t be meaner
It’s not my fault I’m long and short
And look like a misshapen wiener
I’ve got four stumpy little legs
So my tummy is near to the ground
My owner’s take me for a drag not a walk
Guess that's why they named me Cigarette!
(Rob Carmack)
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
I have a musician friend who is always upbeat. When she developed ringing in one ear, I asked whether her condition was especially annoying to a musician. She shook her head. “Not really,” she replied cheerfully. “The ringing sound is in the key of B flat, so I use it to tune my cello half a tone lower.”
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
I can row a boat.
Canoe?
How do you communicate with the spirit of a Viking warrior?
With a Nor-Ouija board.
What do you call an alien spaceship that's leaking water?
A crying saucer.
I told everyone that I’m going as a zombie character from Harry Potter this Halloween, but no one believes me.
I’m dead Sirius.
"I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups."
Rita Rudner
Q: What did the artist say to the dentist?-
A: Matisse hurt
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
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