I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.

I’ve been meaning to make a list of bad railroad puns…but I keep getting side tracked.

Beer doesn't make you fat
It makes you lean.

"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight."
– Rita Rudner

Why did the owl join Tinder?
He didn’t want to be owl by himself.

What do you call a group of crows who see food?
A tempted murder.

The mama nut told her children to kick off their dirty cashews before stepping into the house.

What do you call ten Arctic hares hopping backwards through the snow together?
A receding hare line.

Did you know vampires aren’t real?
Unless you Count Dracula.

What made the dinosaur's car stop ? A flat Tire-annosaurus

Q: How did the Pharaoh Hatshepsut know it was time to retire?
A: He saw the writing on the wall.

What kind of button won't unbutton? A bellybutton!

You’ve stolen my heart. I hereby place you under cardiac arrest.

Can you give me directions to your heart? I've seemed to have lost myself in your eyes.

What did one hat say to the other on the hiking trip?
I'll wait here, you go on ahead.

Why did the manager hire the marsupial? Because he was koala-fied.

I designed a new toilet but cannot find anyone to test it out.
No one gives a crap.

Where do the best kola nuts come from? Kolafornia.

I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.

Why was the medieval knight polishing his dress before going for the Queens's dinner party? Because he wanted to have a night in shining armor!

“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”—Erma Bombeck

Congrats on proving that getting older doesn’t mean getting wiser.

"Love is sharing your popcorn."

- Charles Schultz.

“I probably wouldn’t kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way my pets and children do.”
— Anonymous

What did the femur say to the patella? I kneed you.

Want to see the real coming attraction?

I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot.
It caused immense pain to ma toes.

Why did the hotel staff dress as witches for Halloween?
Because they provided broom service!

What drink do you need to steal? Virgin-tea. Why do hipsters only drink iced tea? Because ice was water before it was cool.

Theatre - the one place it doesn't pay to read between the line.

It’s a season of giving, so you should give me your phone number.

"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
- Rita Rudner

Why did the Vikings not have high doorknobs?
Because of Loki.

Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were prime mates.

I feel like Medusa was in some rocky relationships.

The lobster is one shell of an animal.

In Spain, you should not develop a program beyond 2.0.
Because that would be over dos.

I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.

Q. What do you get if you cross a deer with an Aussie Joey?
A. A buck-er-roo.

She stood on the balcony, inexplicably mimicking him hiccuping, and amicably welcoming him in.

Dad: Where do desert nomads buy their camels?
Son: I dunno. Where?
Dad: at Camelot.

Why did the penguin cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.

“What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin” –Mark Twain

"It's not you...it's your taste in music"

What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark? Floodlights.

If ice cream could be grown on the tree top,
Tiny tummies would be liking it lots.
Any fruit flavour
For all to savour.
Do stop by at the ice cream tree shop.

If only the trees could grow lollipops
With a sharp tangy taste of lemon drops.
Lolly licky-lick
With a zingy twist.
Come along with a skip and a hop.

If chocolate heaven grew on tree leaf,
Bountiful, tempting, delicious to eat,
A smooth, silky, treat
In a chocy feast.
If only they weren't so out of reach.

If bubblegum grew upon trees that blew
Bubbles in the air, to catch and to chew.
Be nimble, be quick;
Remember the trick.
Don't swallow, because gum sticks like glue.

All are welcome at the Candy Tree Shops.
Feast your eyes on all the goodies they've got.
There are enough treats
For all down the streets,
So come and join the jiggery-jog.

(By Beryl L Edmonds)

Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.

What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
Arbor-ista.

There are two kinds of people who don’t say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.

"How can people my age plan spontaneous trips to Thailand, I can barely afford a spontaneous soft pretzel."