What did the father say whilst teaching his kid to tie his shoelaces?
Knot bad

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish?
Swimming trunks!

How do you make holy water?
By boiling the hell out of it.

Why did the donut start going to therapy? It couldn’t get over the feeling that something was missing — it never felt hole!

Why did the poor werewolf chase his own tail?
He was trying to make ends meet.

A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night....
..... oof !!

How are baseball umpires and angry chickens alike?
Both make fowl calls.

People in Iran are scared of spiders
But in Iraq, no phobia.

Why did the cheese lover hide cheese in the back of his fridge?
In queso emergency.

Omelette you in on a secret. You and I would brie perfectly gouda.

How does cabernet like to travel abroad?
On a cruise sip.

How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight? Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?

“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous

Why is a field of grass always older than you?
Because it's pasture age

What did the cow who barged the other cow say?
Moo-ve!

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”
Henry Kissinger

I don't know if I just got hit by freezing rain, but it hurt like hail.

“You can’t have a million dollar dream with a minimum wage worth ethic.” — Zig Ziglar

Ed Belfour's new contract offer isn't high compared to other goal tenders.

Do you know hop? Because your body is really kickin'.

What do polar bears have for lunch?
Ice burgers.

You’re sucrose, you’re glucose,
You’re fructose and more,
From your head to your feet…
Which are stuck to the floor.

You’re Hershey’s, you’re Snickers,
You’re sweet English Toffee.
If you spit in my cup,
You’ll just sweeten my coffee.

I love you so much
That I’m getting frenetic,
But I can’t even kiss you,
’cause I’m diabetic.

(Kenneth J. Miller)

"Will you accept this rosé?"

The doctor told me I probably won’t be able to walk again after getting into an accident with a newspaper delivery truck.
I was crushed by the news.

When I got home from camp today,
My parents almost died.
They asked me how I got this way,
And here's what I replied:

This little cast from heel to hip
Is nothing much at all.
Some broken shingles made me slip
From off the dining hall.

The poison ivy's not too bad.
It missed my back and chest.
Of course, I guess I oughta add
Mosquitoes got the rest.

I tried to eat some hick'ry nuts
And cracked a tooth or two.
And all these bruises, scabs, and cuts?
I haven't got a clue.

I got the lump that's on my head
From diving in the lake.
I should've watched for rocks instead
Of grabbing for the snake.

That leaves this bandage on my chin
And these three finger sprains,
Along with lots of sunburned skin
And sniffles from the rains.

I also got a muscle cramp
And very nearly drowned.
It's some terrific summer camp,
The coolest one around.

(By Richard Thomas)

Accordion to one study, people don’t notice when you replace any given word with the name of a musical instrument, but I don’t believe that tuba true.

I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don't know their meaning.
It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.

There are two people who both claim to live in the building where Shakespeare wrote Romeo & Juliet. They should put a plaque on both their houses.

What did the upright bass say to the nervous guitar?
“You’re too high strung, don’t fret.”

My wife left me because I'm so insecure
No wait.. She's back! She was just getting coffee

Turkey, Turkey,
full and fat.
November's near.
You'll soon go splat!
They'll roast you up
and slice you thin.
Oh, what a mess
you're surely in.
Mixed with stuffing
and some sauce.
It's plain to see
the cook is boss.
But what would truly
give you joy. . .
would be a turkey
made of soy!

- Denise Rodgers

Winter does not arrive until the ice is in the compost heap. Spring does not arrive until the ice is out of the compost.

Why do seals swim in salt water ?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze.

Are you the energizer bunny cause you just keep going and going through my mind.

Can you give me directions…to your heart?

I just got some mistletoe, how about we go back to my place and try it out?

What did the peanut say right before taking an exam? “I walnut fail!”

After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."

You must be related to Alfred Nobel because baby you are dynamite!

Want to go shopping? Today only there's a special deal: 30% off on my heart!

“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”

- Jerry Seinfeld.

Which type of nut goes to outer space?
An astro-nut

Why do watermelons have fancy weddings? Because they cantaloupe.

How does a horse drink wine?
With a de-canter.

What do you call a mythical being working in a smoothie store?
Mejuicea.

Did you hear the one about the statistician.
Probably.

What do you call a nut that is crazy about exercise? A health nut.

How Do Ducks Talk?
They don't, you quack.

Did you hear about the goblin that got his left arm and left leg cut off?
Well don't worry, he's all right now.