"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." —Alexander the Great
The prowling youth
With fangs and cape
From trick or treat
There's no escape
Unless you make
Your own trick treats
And hand out bags
Of Ex-lax sweets.
- Patrick Winstanley
You looking at me is making me turn as red as that roasted beet salad.
One day, a young weasel went to the bar. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are under-aged. I can’t serve you beer.” The weasel asks, “What can I have?”
The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel.
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a watermelon by it’s diameter? Watermelon PI.
I aorta tell you how much I love you.
What happened the first time one of the settlers tried to write favor instead of favour?
He was attacked by a Pil-grammar nazi.
What’s a good winter tip?
Never catch snowflakes on your tongue until all the birds have flown south for the winter.
You must have been born in an open cluster because you shine as if you were a young star.
My Ex-wife called me to tell me my son was arrested for setting a house on fire. I corrected her saying...
Arson.
“A mother becomes a true grandmother the day she stops noticing the terrible things her children do because she is so enchanted with the wonderful things her grandchildren do.”—Lois Wyse
“I don’t have a lot of friends but I have the best friends because I choose quality over quantity.”
— Unknown
Question: What is a turkey’s favorite dessert?
Answer: Peach gobbler!
Are you a banana because I find you a peeling.
"I put a dollar in one of those changed machines. Nothing changed." ~ George Carlin
What does a cheese lover say when someone keeps messing around with them?
“You gouda brie kidding!”
What does a man desperate to urinate do in a room full of arrogant people?
Egos everywhere.
“Namastay 6 feet away.” – Unknown
How was the lepre-con caught?
By an under-clover police officer!
“Education cost money. But then again so does ignorance.” – Sir Claus Moser
“No matter how smart you are, you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid.”
Anonymous
To begin to toboggan first buy a toboggan, but don’t buy too big a toboggan. Too big a toboggan is too big a toboggan to buy to begin to toboggan.
Roses are red. Bromothymol is blue. My love for you doesn’t have an endpoint.
Oh me, oh Jeremiah, that is one great face you have there
What do you call an avocado after a priest blesses it?
Holy guacamole.
“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
Winston Churchill
I hope my love for you is arterial because I don’t want it to be all in vein.
What did the Cat burglar say when he was caught stealing from a French art museum?
I did it for the Monet.
You can virtually stay in any room. The only one you can’t is the mush-room because it is reserved for fungi.
“An instructor once gave the following cue in yoga class: “Relax your pancreas.” I don’t even know where my pancreas is, never mind how to relax it! I giggled for the rest of the class.” – Mel Farrimond
Other people had drugs in school, but I brought Greek cheeses.
That way I could have math and feta cheese.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Keep calm and leprech-on.
(Pick up a sugar packet off the floor) Uh, miss? I think you dropped your name tag.
Why don’t we use some Fourier analysis on our relationship and reduce to a series of simple periodic functions?
How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
He speeds up when he’s knocking.
Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
Robert Benchley
What did the beaver say after she slipped in water?
Dam it.
I think I'm going to remove my spine.
It's only holding me back.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent.
Now it has no friends.
Hi, I’m writing a phone book, can I have your number?
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was bored of just standing there.
What trophy do you get if you never score any points? The Art Rouse.
What did the sushi say to the bee?
"Wasabee?"
One problem with antibiotics is that no matter how popular it gets....It’s never going viral.
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”
Benjamin Franklin
What goes up when rain starts to come down?
Umbrellas.
When do chickens go to bed?
Half past hen!
Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.
Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."
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