Why did the tortilla chip start dancing?
Because they put on the salsa.
Do you want some raisin? How about some jam to go with it.
My band only plays dog whistles.
You've probably never heard us.
What swims in the sea, carries a machine gun, and makes you an offer you can't refuse? The Codfather
What do you call a group of crows flying over a couple?
A murder over love.
“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg
Whenever two vegetarians fall in love, you know that’s going to be a great pear. Now lettuce celebrate, because we all love vegetables.
My foot isn't the only part of me that's lucky!
What do you think is a frog’s favorite summertime treat?
Hopsicles!
I went to Oxford University, where I was a philosophy major and the starting goalkeeper on the football team.
They called me Soccertes.
What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood
What do you call an alligator that makes others fight?
An instigator.
Why was the zombie so grumpy?
He woke up on the wrong side of the dead.
There’s a man in Florida with no arms or legs who is armed and on the run
"What do tofu and a dildo have in common?" "They are both meat substitutes!"
What did the steak say to his enemy? I have a T-bone to pick with you!
We’ve all heard of the mushroom who gets invited to the party cause he’s a fungi, but what about the mushroom who stole all the halloween candy?
He had no morrels.
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
What is a seals favorite subject?
Art Art Art Art!
Teacher: Use a sentence that starts with "I"
Bobby: I is...
Teacher: No, Bobby. You should say "I am", never "I is".
Bobby: "I am the 9th letter of the alphabet."
I used to work at a cutlery store, but I quit
No more Mr. Knife guy.
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
“It is a grave error to assume that ice cream consumption requires hot weather.”
- Anne Fadiman
Hurricane Irene is a Category 3, but if it had your name it be a perfect 10.
What did the dolphin say to its friend who wouldn’t stop lying?
Stop spouting nonsense!
I forgot my fork so tried to eat my lunch with just a spoon. It was pointless.
It’s pretty plane and simple… I really think we could take off.
I'm a good basketball handler, what about you?
I didn't know angels flew this low.
Just bought a vacuum cleaner, from a Buddhist selling them door to door. I should have known better..
It came with no attachments.
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
Montagu's Maxim
Are we going to do some gravity experiments? Okay, let’s test how fast I would free fall for you.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
My sister said I would never be able to make a beach pun.
Is seashore about that?
There once was a young boy named Nick,
Who by chance was always being kicked.
He tried not to fight,
For he was smart, kind and bright,
So he learned how to run really quick.
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock in a pestilential prison with a life-long lock, awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock from a cheap and chippy chopper with a big, black block.
What does a giant Tyrannosaurus eat? Anything she wants!
Who is the worm's Prime Minister? Maggot Thatcher.
How do you know flowers are capable of kissing?
They have tulips.
What is ice cream’s preferred breed of dog?
Dashchundae.
My Haloween costume would have been perfect if my hair agreed with me. Guess I’m just having a bad scare day.
A man is wanted for stealing tires off of cop cars.
Police are working tirelessly to catch him.
“I heard about a trend where, this Thanksgiving, people made tiny turkeys. You may know them by their other name: chicken!” — Jerry Seinfeld
Learning how to collect trash wasn’t hard.
I just picked it up as I went along.
With a calendar, your days are numbered.
It’s so cold that even the ATM shows minus.
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
“If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?”
– Scott Adams
I can’t help but laugh a little when I see a pun about chocolate bars… snickers
I was testing the speaker phone on the intercom on our landline with my father yesterday.
It started to make that annoying noise. My old man said it was too close to call.
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