On a scale of 1 to America, how free are you tomorrow night?

It’s so hot the birds are using oven mitts to pull worms out of the ground.

There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin.
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.

"Five Little Acorns"

Five little acorns, lying on the ground,
The first one said “oh my
I’m getting round.”
The second one said “I think I’m fat,”
the third one said “I have a nice hat,”

The fourth one said “There’s a squirrel over there.
The fifth one said “well I don’t care.”
Down came the squirrel and
swept them all away, up to his nest for a cold winter day.

– Debbie Hill

"The Silliest Teacher in School"

Our teacher gave detention
to the fountains in the hall.
She handed extra homework
to the artwork on the wall.

We saw her point a finger
at a banner and a sign.
She said their bad behavior
was completely out of line.

The principal approached her
and said, “What is all this fuss?
I heard you tried to punish
all the tires on a bus.

“You’ve made the teachers angry
by disrupting all their classes,
so if you want to keep this job,
you have to wear your glasses!”

– Darren Sardelli

Would you like to come to my place and light my Yule log?

My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

A chicken goes into a library. He stands at the librarian's desk and says, "Buk," so she gives him a book. A couple of minutes later, the chicken returns. "Buk," he says, and she hands him another book. This goes on and on.
Finally, it is the librarian's break time. She goes out back to get some fresh air by the pond. That is when she sees the chicken and a frog on a lilypad. "Buk," says the chicken as he tosses a book to the frog. "Reddit," replies the frog...

Why was the teenager deer a bad driver?
He didn’t want to use the deering wheel.

What did the violin say when it finally played the music correctly?
Viola.

I'm a maintenance engineer and I'd love to tinker with your parts.

Why did the lobster blush?
Because the sea-weed.

Werewolves love similes and metafurs.

Knock knock…

Who’s there?

Voodoo.

Voodoo who?

Voodoo you think you are?

What do you call it when a cardiology student flunks out?
Heart failure.

Q: Why is it so windy in England?
A: Because Harry Kane (hurricane) lives there..

Did you hear about the two bed bugs who met in the mattress? They got married in the spring.

What do you call a dinosaur that got stuck in the rain?
A driplodocus.

There once was a man from Tibet,
Who couldn't find a cigarette.
So he smoked all his socks,
and got chicken-pocks,
and had to go to the vet.

When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.

I couldn't chair less!

Why did Neil Armstrong pee right after he made his first step on the moon?
He wanted to go where no man had gone before.

“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single.” – Billy Crystal

What did the thief steal on the theatre's opening night? The spotlight.

Are you my appendix? Because I don't understand how you work but this feeling in my stomach makes me want to take you out.

I sat on the pin.
It did not give me a grin.
Buy some marmalade.

"My idea of camping is falling asleep on the couch with the window open."
- Clarke Kant

What kind of process is Marriage? A process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

What did the tree say after someone hit it? We should really call the copse.

What is the name of the country near Iraq that is made entirely of cheese? Curd-istan

“Abs are temporary. Chocolate is forever.”
― Unknown

I don’t know why everyone is so upset about untraditional family structures, it’s been happening in the animal world for years. For example, all water buffalos have three parents.
One oxygen buffalo and two hydrogen buffalos.

Who is a beaver's most favorite pop singer ever? Justin Beaver.

The chicken farmer died under mysterious circumstances.
The police suspect fowl play.

If I buy you guacamole, will you sleep with me?
You must think I’m some kind of avocad-ho.

Why don't bananas snore?
Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.

Q. Which deer was a fascist dictator?
A. Moose Al Ini.

I forgot my reusable bag, can I borrow one of yours?

I once had a gerbil named Bobby,
Who had an unusual hobby.
He chewed on a cord,
and now -- oh my lord,
now all that's left is a blobby.

How does a snake shoot something?
With a boa and arrow.

What do you call Chewbacca when he has chocolate stuck in his hair? Chocolate Chip Wookiee.

I used to hate facial hair...
But then it grew on me.

I saw a lady riding a camel and being pulled by a truck... It was a camel tow

Wanna go out this weekend? Maybe go on a quick John-t around town?

What's more amazing than a talking turkey? A spelling bee!

How do Penguins drink their cola?
On the rocks.

What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.

Have you heard about these new corduroy pillow cases?
They're really making headlines.

What do you call a communist violin?
The second Fidel.

What did the cat do to someone she had wronged? She a-paw-logized.

What did one cheese say to the other during philosophy class?
“I dis a brie.”