What did one aspiring wig say to the other aspiring wig? I wanna get a head!
"Family Likeness"
"You're just like them!" they say.
And me, I yell, "No way!
He's so moody,
She's so shrill,
His chin juts out,
Boy can she shout!
His nose is big,
And mine's quite small
There's no resemblance at all."
But then on days of harmony
I find that I agree.
Our family is made of different parts,
But we're all the same
In our hearts.
– Alison Jean Thomas
You do not want to know the history behind the railroad because it is so underground.
“My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still at work.” — Author Unknown
You have a pizza my heart.
Ain’t no mountain high enough to keep me from you.
How can you tell if you are looking at a police glow worm? it has a blue light.
How does the spinal cord hammer a nail into a wall?
With a series of spinal taps.
What reassuring advice did the meninges give to the brain?
"Don't worry, I've got you covered."
Pink is the early bird of the rainbow colors, it's always the first to rose and shine.
What do you call the Commander of a vegetable army?
A kernel.
Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced?
It had grater plans.
Who do elephants get their Christmas presents from?
Elephanta Claus.
How did the horse get up the stairs?
He mounted them.
The navy is now taking dogs along on their submarines
They're subwoofers
A tree's limbs fell off in a storm, now it's an amputree.
It’s impossible to Rouen a trip to France.
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
Did you hear about the Viking who was reincarnated?
He was Bjorn again.
Why was the pony so excited to be invited to a rally with the president?
It was a huge end-horse-ment.
What is a koala’s favorite Christmas carol? Deck the halls with boughs of holly, koala-la-la-la, la-la-la-la!!!
Can I have some of your avocado?
GUAC NO! I give zero guacs! You need to guac off!
My software never has bugs.
It just develops random features.
The soup was too spicy to be had by us. It was the borscht soup I had ever had.
Who’s your paddy?
What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?
Amazon kindle.
Where do kittens learn to move around? On the catwalk
A kid at the spelling bee was asked to spell "inward"
A teacher tackled him after the first G
How does an elf get to Santa's workshop? By icicle.
How did the woman react when the doctor suggested she have a brain biopsy?
She gave him a piece of her mind.
Why did the hard drive crash?
Because it had a bad driver.
What type of ice cream do fish like to eat?
Shark-o-late!
Q: What do you call a French guy being mauled by a tiger?
A: Claude.
How do geologists like to relax?
In rocking chairs, of course!
How do trees get on a computer?
They just log in.
“Every man is a d*** fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit.”
― Elbert Hubbard
My least favourite hue is purple. It's worse than red and blue combined.
What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? She moved.
The favourite day of the week for wolves is moonday.
I use to support higher spending on education. But then I learned a harsh truth. No matter how smart we we make children,
50% of them will still be below average.
Why is England the wettest country? Because the queen has reigned there for years!
What do you call corn with red, white and blue kernels?
Americorn.
Need an ark?
I noah guy.
Why was Romeo melancholic?
Because Juliette Cantaloupe.
What are the best kind of flowers to get your girlfriend after screwing up?
Whoopsie Daisies
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
“Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.”
Albert Einstein
Nowadays oranges have decided to go out with prune. The reason is that it is becoming so hard to find a date.
Let’s have high tea & fall in love sometime. You can be my little biscuit.
Last night my house was broken into, and all they stole was soap.
Dirty criminals. Cops say they got away clean.
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