Why was the geologist always depressed?
He had a hard rock life.
The baby strawberries were berry upset when they heard that both their parents were in the jam.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t believe,
You’re a monkey too
Never talk to me about fashion
It just goes in one year and out the other
What did the toilet say to the urinal after it was hired?
“Urine!”
Every girl is just like a pineapple: They both have many pointy defences, but they are still sweet and adorable.
King Arthur had a knight in charge of determining property boundaries.
Sir Veyor
I bet you I could stop gambling.
What’s a good name for a detective?
Mr. E
It's so cold that when cows are milked, ice cream comes out.
Why did the balloon burst? Because is saw a lolly pop.
Judging by the sounds, there’s an ogre staying in the hotel room above me.
Hopefully he shreks out tomorrow.
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
I asked my Mom if I was ugly.
She said, "I told you not to call me Mom in front of people."
What do you call Santa when he accidentally falls into the fireplace? Krisp Kringle.
My Aunt with half a plate left: I don't think I can eat anymore, this meat is just not appealing to me.
Me: Have a potato, it has a peal.
Gnomes can be quite annoying when they’re indecisive. All they say is yes, gnome, maybe.
For you, I would slay two Goliaths.
They had us working like dogs at work after a storm
All I did was pick up sticks and bark.
Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.
What does a mosquito say to greet his girlfriend?
"M'laria."
An elderly man called Keith,
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair,
He'd forgot they were there,
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
My wife says to me this morning "Our son's toothbrush is getting fraid"
I say "What's it so fraid of?"
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered
What is a car’s preferred mobile phone brand?
No-Kia.
What does a panda use to cook his pancakes?
A pan duhhhh!
“It doesn’t matter how low the dollar will go, I will always bend down and pick it up.” ~ Anonymous
I saw a really cool kangaroo the other day
It had a hip hop
“Not everybody has to love me. I can’t force you to have good taste.”
Six out of seven dwarfs aren’t Happy.
Why did the czar cross the road?
To get to his car.
The walnut was not good at sports but did really well with his macadamia at school.
The fungi turned down seconds at dinner because he never had mushroom.
I hate being patronized.
By the way patronized means they speak with a sense of superiority and are condescending
Who in the hell names their son “Tiger” ?
Only people in the Woods’
I hear you like wine, too. Grape minds think alike.
Girl: "Babe I'm pregnant you're the father."
Guy: "Can't fool me it's April's Fools Day!"
Girl: "Haha! got me! You're not the father."
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
The ocean made me salty.
Where do pepperonis go on vacation?
The Leaning Tower of Pizza.
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
What do you call an overly cautious cup of tea?
Uncertaintea.
Are you epinephrine? ‘Cause baby, you make my heart race….
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Pasta!
Pasta who?
Italian chef who pasta away.
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
Did you know you can make a really good music player out of a cherry cake? It’s called a gateau blaster.
Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
Noah - he was floating his stock while everyone was in liquidation.
What happened to the man who turned into a pistachio?
He became a shell of who he once was.
"We don’t grow older, we grow riper." - Pablo Picasso
What do Italians eat on Halloween?
Fettuccine Afraid-O
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