Did you hear that famous blonde haired actress has been stabbed? She's called Reese, Erm...
Witherspoon?
No, with a knife.
An orange and an apple signed up for a tournament. No one was surprised to find out they were both seeded.
Wife told me that our juicer draws a lot of power.
I explained to her that it takes lot of juice to juice the juicer.
What happens when a Mexican gets to the worm? He passes out.
Tell me of this thing you humans call... (dramatic pause) love.
“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it.” — Groucho Marx
Poor white splash.
I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.
It’s so hot I started putting ice cubes in my waterbed.
What did the zombie say when he failed the exam?
- I didn't have enough brains.
I knew a guy that got struck by lightning twice.
It was a re-volting scene.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a leaf blower? A hare dryer!
How do crazy runners go through the forest?
They take the psychopath!
Why did the skeletons stay out of the forest?
Because sticks and stones will break their bones.
The nectarine academic is doing a Ph.D. in 'Peach and Language Psychology' from the University of Georgia.
I’m a hockey player; of course my stick is curved!
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language.
Sorry for not saying 'Bless You', it already seems that you are.
Let’s take an elfie.
When the husband of the queen gets back to his palace after climbing the mountain, the queen says "Hi, King!"
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
What’s black and white and bounces?
A rubber panda.
Q. Which book makes virgin gorillas blush?
A. The Naked Ape.
I would totally carve your pumpkin.
Who named their daughter Macadamia?
A couple of nuts.
Why is the barn so noisy?
Because all of the cows have horns
A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.
"Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"
The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
Do you know why an octopus is so good at Football?
It gets ten tackles a play.
You're such a TEAse.
Are you enjoying your sweet potatoes this Thanksgiving?
I know I yam!
Why are bad knitters and Christmas trees alike? They both drop their needles.
You don’t like my winter pun? How cold!
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.
“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.”
Betty White
Why do army snipers close one eye while shooting?
Because if they closed both eyes they wouldn't be able to see.
What’s a pig’s favorite color? Ma-hog-any.
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
I cannoli be happy
Why did Sean Connery adopt a cat?
Because teaching his dog to sit proved too messy.
Why are pigs pink when they could be any pig-ment? Sow many reasons.
“No matter how smart you are, you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid.”
Anonymous
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin Williams
My heart rate’s always higher when I hike with you.
Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
Why are witches good at farming?
Because they love occult-ivation.
It’s Fall coming back to me now.
I love pressing F5. It's so refreshing.
What is the most effective way to cook a crocodile?
In a croc pot.
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