The real estate in my neighborhood has become so expensive that only cats can afford it.
You need nine lives to pay it off.
Stuck on what to get your Mum for Mother's Day?
Get her a fridge and watch her face light up as she opens it.
Jill broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine
What do you call two beautiful cat that sit together in the basin?
Purrfectly in sink.
A wife send her husband an sms on a cold winter evening: "Windows frozen".
The husband send answer back: "Pour some warm water over them".
Some time later husband receives answer from his wife: "Nice going. The computer is completely screwed now."
Hey, let’s go out some time! Olly’ven pay for everything
"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." - Conan O’Brien
Why did the owl 'owl?
Because the Woodpecker would peck 'er.
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “It’s not working. I can’t take it any more. I’m going to my mom’s.”
I opened the fridge door, the light came on, the beer was cold. What the hell did she mean?
What do math and history have in common?
They both teach people about inequalities.
It's really easy to learn white water kayaking
You just go with the flow.
If your girlfriend/wife ever gets you a gladiator uniform, it's a pretty good sign.
She wants you to be more Roman-tic.
I wish I were cross-eyed so I can see you twice
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
What do you call a ghost of a man with a broken leg? A hobblin’ goblin.
My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
---
Acowboy enters the saloon
"Who painted my horse blue??"
A huge guy stands up, and walks right into the cowboy's face.
"It was me, you have a problem with that?"
"No...I just wanted to let you know that it's dry and ready for the second coating."
Children with only a mother make horrible programmers
Theres always missing parent.
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
What kind of bread do elves use to make sandwiches?
Why shortbread of course!
One of the punny pig names for a pig that loves Shakespeare is Hamlet.
Your fragrance lights up my life.
“To make a difference in someone’s life you don’t have to be brilliant, rich, beautiful, or perfect you just have to care enough and be there.”
— Unknown
What do you call a pig with no legs?
A groundhog.
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time.” — Joe Girard
What did one pig say to the other?
Let’s be pen pals.
What do you call a happy aviator?
A gladiator
I got fired from the bomb disposal squad
Too bad, I had a blast working there.
The coffee shop owner was afraid. He wanted to know if the shop had ground to operate in the black.
What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.
I was reading the book of numbers yesterday, and I realized I don’t have yours.
I'm fondue you, it's true
Excuse me, I think you dropped something: My jaw.
What did the reindeer dad tell his son?
Deer to be different!
Are you the energizer bunny cause you just keep going and going through my mind.
How did Gertie Gorilla win the beauty contest? She was the beast of the show!
“Yoga is too slow.” — Rob Gronkowski
What do you call a funny bone?
A humerus.
As summer approaches, I think it’s a good idea to use two deodorants, one under each armpit.
But that’s just my two scents.
The way you talk to me leaves me aphasic.
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy beer." ~ Gary Reilly
Why did the cow wear a bell around her neck?
Because her horn didn’t work.
How does Frankenstein jump-start his day?
With a shock of lighting.
Happy Birthday to my best spud….get it? ? Spud…bud? ?
“Every day is National Donut Day if you put your mind to it.”
― Unknown
Why does algebra make you a better dancer?
Because you can use algo-rhythm.
What do you get when you cross a banker with a fish?
A loan shark
Two snakes parted.
The first one said, “Fangs for the memories”.
What types of mushrooms do vegetarians avoid? Oyster mushrooms.
What do you call a bad electrician? A shock absorber!
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