What do you call a horse running on a table?
A counter canter.

The peach sports organization rended a commercial peach for a game of peach ball.

I came into the office early and switched as many M and N keys on keyboards as I could. Some might say I'm a monster...
But others will say nomster

Why do dogs hate computers?
They can’t stick their heads out of those Windows.

"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."

Why did the baker keep putting too much flour in the bread? Because he was a gluten for punishment.

Contrary to belief, Wikipedia actually has less factual errors than traditional printed encyclopedias.

Source: Wikipedia

What did the pig exclaim when the wolf grabbed its tail?
“That’s the end of me!”

What is a robot’s favorite kind of music?
Heavy metal.

For you, nothing in this world
I would ever trade
You are more precious to me
Than a dazzling Jade
From every troubles of life
You have given me bail
Today I promise that for you
My love will never fail

Even if I was T-Rex, I would find a way to hug you.

Q. What did the mother doe name her new twin babies?
A. Bam B and Bam A.

What does a skeleton play in a band?
A Trom-Bone.

It's lunchtime and the newcomer at my workplace is on a plane to India
Turns out, someone told him that the nearby Delhi has the best sandwiches

I accidentally kicked my bed post when I got up this morning, almost couldn't move!
Luckilly, I called a toe truck.

When I got home from camp today,
My parents almost died.
They asked me how I got this way,
And here's what I replied:

This little cast from heel to hip
Is nothing much at all.
Some broken shingles made me slip
From off the dining hall.

The poison ivy's not too bad.
It missed my back and chest.
Of course, I guess I oughta add
Mosquitoes got the rest.

I tried to eat some hick'ry nuts
And cracked a tooth or two.
And all these bruises, scabs, and cuts?
I haven't got a clue.

I got the lump that's on my head
From diving in the lake.
I should've watched for rocks instead
Of grabbing for the snake.

That leaves this bandage on my chin
And these three finger sprains,
Along with lots of sunburned skin
And sniffles from the rains.

I also got a muscle cramp
And very nearly drowned.
It's some terrific summer camp,
The coolest one around.

(By Richard Thomas)

What is the greeting that Korean onions tell each other when they meet in the streets? They say 'Onion-Haseyo'.

Apparently there's a fruit that is naturally radioactive.
I think that's bananas!

What do sophisticated fish drink? Salt-Tea.

Why did it take the Roman General 10 tries to find the buried treasure?
Because X marks the spot

“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown

Why did the blond enter the tennis courts naked?
Because the sign said tennis shoes only.

So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made

How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny?
I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday.

Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”

Mom: Why did you shave the peaches!
Dad: The recipe asked for nectarines.

“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.”
Ashleigh Brilliant

Lady, you mak me All Shook Up and wake my Animal Instinct

Why is milk taller than you?
Because it's always pasteurize

You have changed my world to polar coordinates. Complex and imaginary things now have a magnitude and direction.

"Five Little Acorns"

Five little acorns, lying on the ground,
The first one said “oh my
I’m getting round.”
The second one said “I think I’m fat,”
the third one said “I have a nice hat,”

The fourth one said “There’s a squirrel over there.
The fifth one said “well I don’t care.”
Down came the squirrel and
swept them all away, up to his nest for a cold winter day.

– Debbie Hill

"The Silliest Teacher in School"

Our teacher gave detention
to the fountains in the hall.
She handed extra homework
to the artwork on the wall.

We saw her point a finger
at a banner and a sign.
She said their bad behavior
was completely out of line.

The principal approached her
and said, “What is all this fuss?
I heard you tried to punish
all the tires on a bus.

“You’ve made the teachers angry
by disrupting all their classes,
so if you want to keep this job,
you have to wear your glasses!”

– Darren Sardelli

I was walking past the store today when I saw a sign saying, "All items one-third off."
So I bought a dozen eggs. Unfortunately four of them were rotten.

You're hot enough for both of us during winter.

What did the patient with the broken leg say to their doctor?
Hey doc, I have a crutch on you.

Santa's beard is so long because he's bad at shaving. Why do you think they call him Saint Nick?

Did you invent the airplane? Because you seem Wright for me!

What do you call a werewolf with a fever?
A hot dog.

I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift. Thing is, I couldn’t find a manual.

Egg puns are the most egg-citing.

Vegans really have a beef with meat.

What is ice cream’s favorite day of the week?
Sundae.

To begin to toboggan first buy a toboggan, but don’t buy too big a toboggan. Too big a toboggan is too big a toboggan to buy to begin to toboggan.

What do you call it when pigs attack you?
A hambush.

What do you call a Triceratops who scores his first goal? Dino- score!

Did you hear about the poker player who lost his arm and got a prosthetic replacement?
He’s finding it hard to deal with.

What do sailors buy to customise the back of their ships?
Aft-ermarket parts!

Why did the house make an appointment with the doctor?
It had a window-pane.

"Happy Easter to all my peeps."

What’s a missionary’s favorite type of car?
A convertible.

Who do you call a pig who can paint like a great artist? Pablo PIGcaso.