Here they come, with birthday cheer,
Bringing gifts just once a year,
People you don't even like;
You really wish they'd take a hike.

This should be a glad occasion;
But it seems more like a SWAT invasion.
Go away! Just take a break!
Oh well, at least there's birthday cake.

(Joanna Fuchs)

What made the dinosaur's car stop ? A flat Tire-annosaurus!

What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m a schizophrenic,
and so am I.

It’s so hot all chocolate is hot chocolate.

My heart is as desolate as Saskatchewan without you.

What kind of plant generates the most energy? A power plant.”

I was waiting at the airport baggage carousel, and noticed that everyone else had a better bag than me.
It was ....the worst case scenario.

A strawberry usually gets stuck often when it gets jammed.

What do you call a group of brains who form a singing group at school?
A glia club.

What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado?
“Well, this is guacward.”

Are your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special.

What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
Rap.

I like my pasta the way I like my medieval Italian literature.
All Dante.

"You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, 'Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out.'"

- Jim Gaffigan.

Did you hear about the blonde who stayed up all night to see where the sun went? It finally dawned on her!

What is the warmest period in the history of the world's climate called?
Climax.

I had to unclog my sink today.
I found it to be very draining.

What do you say when you're having dinner with a skeleton? Bone appetit!

Once upon a time, a knight hosted a live improvisational comedy show for everyone in town. It was known as 'Saturday Knight Live'.

What do you call a berry that plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity!

Yetis have declared their own independent state in the Himalayas.
It's an abomi-nation.

Where does wine catch up on all the vineyard dirt?
Through the grapevine.

Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”

Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only 10 I see!

Why did the belt get arrested? He held up a pair of pants.

What happened to the wooden car with wooden wheels and wooden engine? it wooden go!

Why are owls so good at math?
They excel at owlgebra.

“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”

- Delia Ephron

How does the sun say hi to the moon?
With a heat wave!

What happened when the kitten turned one? She had a birthday paw-ty.

What did one deoxygenated blood cell say to the other?
We're all in vain.

What do you call a house that likes food? a Condoment!

What did Delaware? a New Jersey

Why was the viking boxer loved so much
He ragna"rocked" the house

I'm starting a death metal band for people with Celiac's Disease
We're called "Gluten for Punishment."

What do you call a Grizzly at a nude beach?
Bear Naked.

“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney

Why didn't the conductor know what to do when he found that his train was missing?
He wasn't trained for this.

What do you get if you cross a skunk with a bear?
Winnie the PU!

What do we get when we cross a Christmas tree with an apple? We will have a pine – apple!

My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.
I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf.

Once upon a time, there was a king who loved traveling through tunnels. The people gave him the name: Alex-Under."

You must be a magician, because everytime I look at you, everyone else disappears.

Singing Sammy sung songs on sinking sand.

"Night Noises"

My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.

It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.

A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!

At last I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."

– Alan Balter

“Don’t believe everything fortune cookies tell you. Just because they’re sweet doesn’t mean they’re right.”
― Unknown

The next door beaver couple got arrested for illegal streaming.

How did knights in the middle-ages get across a moat?
Moataboat

“Demanding something from a Scorpio is a sure way to not have it happen.”