What did Snow White call her chicken?
Egg White.
How do the Vietnamese like their soup? Purrrrrfect.
Why do realtors love skateboards?
Because they can flip them whenever they want!
"Hey baby, are you being followed? Because I've been seeing people behind your back."
A blonde goes to a soda machine.
She puts in a dollar and gets a soda.
She does this again and again.
A man in line behind her asks why she is taking so long.
She says, "Can't you see I'm winning?"
Both tournament directors published the schedule at the same time. It was a draw.
A lady was looking for a turkey but couldn't find one big enough.
She asked the stock boy "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied "No they're dead."
My doctor tells me I've got a bacon addiction.
Thankfully he thinks I can be cured.
Q. Why did the gorilla cross the road?
A. To get to the monkey biz on the other side.
“Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it.”
-Russell Baker
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cash.
Cash who?
No thanks, I prefer walnuts.
A guy walks into the bar.
It's hardly surprising he didn't make the steeplechase team, on reflection.
Quasimodo was the best detective in France.
He always had a hunch.
If you go to Medieval Times and watch the jousts, there is a sir charge.
What do you get if you cross a mouse with a Triceratops? Enormous holes in the base boards.
What do dinosaurs put on their pizza? Tomato-saurus
When you come across oranges wearing suntan lotion, don’t judge them harshly. They do so in order not to peel.
Would you like to come over for tea and crumpets?
A pony goes to see the doctor one day.
He says, "Doc, you've got to help me. I've had this terrible sore throat for weeks and I think there must be some badly wrong."
The doctor examines him and then reassures him saying, "It's okay, it's nothing serious; you're just a little horse."
What kind of cat always crosses the road?
A jaguar.
"You're poaching all my best yolks."
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
Practice safe text: use commas.
Why can a leopard never hide for long? It’s always spotted
I went to my fridge to get some lettuce for my salad
But there was none Romaine-ing.
You're a good egg.
What was the Peach's favorite surf band from the 60's? The Peach Boys.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
A face like yours,
Belongs in a zoo.
Earlier today someone sent me a bunch of flowers, but all the heads had been cut off.
I think I'm being stalked.
I've just thought of a really funny owl joke, but I can't use it until 2/8/20.
What race makes for the edgiest bards?
Rock gnomes.
A barber, a hairdresser, and Bigfoot walk into a bar...
You know what...I'm gonna shave this joke for another time.
“Babies: cry all flight long. Fall asleep during landing.”
Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!
You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!
You give them all,
You're taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!
They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you're alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!
Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!
Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!
(Fiazio)
The hotel said NO DOGS ALLOWED.
I guess it was a little too paw-sh.
You really mermaid my day.
Sorry, can you please go away? Everytime you come around you take my breath away.
Who granted the fish a wish?
The fairy codmother.
What martial art does Earth know?
Geo-Jitsu.
A goat came out of nowhere and headbutted me
It was a ram-done act of violence
An angry fruit yells at traffic in front of them
“Mango!”
Our love, it has grown
Similar to your age
We have come so far
And have been through ups
And through downs.
Hopefully you can take
One more year of me being a clown.
My boat is starting to sink, I'm going to sell it.
See my boat listing in the paper.
There once was a wonderful star,
Who thought she would go very far.
Until she fell down,
And looked like a clown,
She knew she would never go far.
Why isn't the the koala a real bear? He doesn't have the right koalifications.
How do beavers make a bouncy dam? Well, they use spring water.
The perfume was very cheap.
It's price was in cents.
My kid keeps forgetting to flush the toilet after he takes a dump.
"That s**t is getting old," I told him.
What is the the chemical formulation for candy molecules? Carbon, Holmium, Cobalt, Lanthanum, Tellerium—or ChoCoLaTe.
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