Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
Where did the nut keep his money?
In his cash shoe.
Why did the tiger eat the tightrope walker?
It wanted a balanced diet.
Whoever lives by the sword shell die by it.
Why was the king only a foot tall?
Because he was a ruler.
I don't have a foot fetish, but I'm pretty into mistle-toe.
Fork: "Who was that ladle I saw you with last night?"
Spoon: "That was no ladle. That was my knife."
What’s the difference between a worm and pumpkin?
Have you ever tried worm pie?
What did the Papa Blanket say to the Mama Blanket when the Baby Blanket was crying?
Comforter.
Why did the vampire need mouthwash? Because he had bat breath.
Why did a person with an unspayed female cat have to go to court?
For kitty littering.
The nut gave her boyfriend the kola shoulder for missing their date.
Fall is a-maize-ing.
What is the color of the wind? Blew!
I meditate about you. Will you do the same too?
What did Bacon say to Tomato? Lettuce get together!
Your eyes look like dark black holes, buI can't help but to be drawn in.
Why did E come out of the bathroom U?
He must've had a vowel movement.
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
Some very good advice strawberries give to their children is to respect their elder-berries.
My love for you is as crazy as mad cow disease.
My girlfriend left me because all I do is talk about football.
I'm so sad, we were together for 3 seasons.
Why did the mammoth have a woolly coat?
Because he would have looked ridiculous in an anorak.
Are you the square root of -100? Because you’re a solid 10 but too good to be real!
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
What do you call a bulletproof Irish man?
Rick O’Shay.
What was the name of the knight who made the round table of Sir Arthur perfect? He was a knight called Sir Cle.
“Did you know that the Christmas tree trend started because people thought it would spruce things up a
bit?”
I like the way you espresso yourself.
What do you call an outlaw goat?
Billy the Kid.
Hundreds of chickpeas were found dead the other day. The police say it's a hummuside.
Did you hear the joke about the pop fly? Oh, nevermind. It was over your head...
Turtles communicate with each other through shell phones.
What do you call a skeleton who goes out in the snow?
A numb-skull.
Why are cats such great singers? Because they’re very mewsical
What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig?
A teddy boar.
If you missed essential tomato cooking class
You can’t ketchup.
When you cross a magician and an airplane, the result is a flying sorcerer.
Hey pretty lady, let me take you out on a first date in the snow. I promise I’m not a flakey person.
what does Stalin use to wipe his mouth?
A Soviette.
Hide in the kitchen, hide in the hall. I will catch you.
How can someone tell if a bee is on their phone? They'll get a buzzy signal.
Two blondes are walking down the road when one says "Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says "Where?"
Do you believe this? All soccer players, irrespective of their country of origin, have one goal.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
Did you see the award-winning movie about a hot dog? It was an Oscar wiener!
What is a chocolate covered car called?
A Ferrari Rocher
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