My band only plays dog whistles.
You've probably never heard us.
Who was the smartest man in the Bible?
Abraham. He knew a Lot.
I would flirt with you, but I'd rather seduce you with my awkwardness From a distance.
Cows get sad whenever they hear the songs of the pop band 'The Mooooo-dy Blues!'
What does a cheese say when they look in the mirror in the morning?
Halloumi.
How did Pavlov get such great hair?
He conditioned it.
Big Foot has been spotted throwing tantrums and talking back to his parents.
No wonder they call him the Sassquatch.
I got arrested because I left my car at the bar and took the bus home.
It turned out I was in no condition to drive that either.
Why haven't the aliens visited earth yet?
They read the reviews... only one star.
Your good weed for the day.
What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly? It barked with de-light!
It’s so hot my thermometer goes up to “Are you kidding me?”
Why did the manager hire the marsupial? Because he was koala-fied.
Which vegetable is the most qualified?
Qualiflower.
What do you call a nut that is crazy about exercise? A health nut.
Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
The way you talk to me leaves me aphasic.
I have no shelf control.
"The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible."
— Jean Kerr
People who take good care of their hair with just shampoo and water...
Must love it unconditionally.
What did the zombie say when she thought the werewolf was keeping secrets?
Spill the zombeans.
Why did the volleyball players like to practice in the library? Their coach said that they’d be doing some reading today.
Why do girls scouts sell cookies? They wanna make a sweet first impression.
What is a bunny’s motto? Don’t be mad, be hoppy!
Are you made of grapes? Because you are fine as wine!
If you were to be as rich as your number, how much are you worth?
What do you call a ghoul who sits too close to the fire?
A toasty ghosty.
What you call the Ghost of a Chicken? Poultry-geist.
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
Are you WiFi?
Because I can feel the connection between us.
When were rock puns the funniest?
During the stone age.
What do you call a group of arms?
An army.
What’s the difference between a comma and a cat?
One has the paws before the claws, the other has the clause before the pause.
Why do trees like to watch Star Trek? They really relate to the Captain’s log.
Where did Noah keep his bees? In his archive.
"Don’t stay in bed unless you make money in bed." ~ George Burns
You’re my pot of gold.
What do you call a storm that doesn't come to fruition?
A mist opportunity!
What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? Lettuce alone without dressing.
I went to a Halloween party wearing a pie shell and carrying a shepherds crook.
"What on earth are you supposed to be?" "I'm a spy" "A spy?. What kinda of spy wears a pie costume and carries a crook?"
A shepherds spy.
What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A blonde parade.
Which condiment is a mouse’s favourite?
Mouse-tard.
Did they over chlorinate the pool today or is it you making my head spin?
Where do boats go when they feel sick?
To the dock.
"It's not you...it's your taste in music"
Why was there lightning and thunder in the lab?
The scientists were brainstorming.
"There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one." ~ Jack Yelton
What do you get when you cross a bat with the internet?
Blood-thirsty hacker.
Why didn’t the peach do well on its ACT? Because when it comes to education, it only gets a little STEM.
Go to BabaMail
