How can a camel walk the desert without getting hungry? Because of all the sandwhiches there.
R.I.P boiled water. You will be mist
What type of bar is kid friendly?
A chocolate bar.
Five frantic frogs fled from fifty fierce fishes.
“Sometimes me think, ‘What is friend?’ Then me say, ‘Friend is someone to share the last cookie with.’”
— Cookie Monster
How do you know the French Onion is Canadian?
Because the oignon est!
What do you call a kangaroo DJ?
Disc joey.
What is the name of the knight that spreads all the rumors and news of the court and the king amongst the people? Sir Culate.
What do you call a skeleton who goes out in the snow?
A numb-skull.
The cat’s out of the bag – I love you purry much.
You should dress up warm in the Andes. That place is Chile.
Are you my appendix? Because I don't understand how you work but this feeling in my stomach makes me want to take you out.
What did the broken hearted skeleton say?
After all to-marrow is another day.
Could you tell me the oxidation state of this atom and your phone number?
Beer doesn't make you fat
It makes you lean.
Why DID seven eat nine?
Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day!
Why don't murderers often attend tea parties?
They prefer a casual tea.
Rattle-skattle skeletons
clitter-clack each bone
Shrieksome banshees circle
and werewolves howl and moan.
Sh-sh-shake and shiver spectres
weeshly whisk along the halls
while plumptious orange pumpkins
throw their shadows on the walls.
Double-trouble witchy twins
are cooking up commotion
with rosy poison apples
bib-bobbing in their potion.
Black cats hide in shadows
with topaz eyes ashine
whilst Mummies gently moulder
in the cellar with the wine.
SCRITCH SCRITCH SCRATCH! and RAT-A-TAT!
Zoiks! Zombies — in the street!
Halloweenies here to party —
and cackling:
TRICK OR TREAT!
- Sarah Ziman
Where do beavers go for a hair cut? To the bobber shop.
When many knights were being killed by guns and bombs, the medieval scientist discovered a weapon that would destroy all their enemies. It was known as the knightrogen bomb!
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
Dark-colored huskies found in Colorado can also be termed as dusky huskies!
Damn, look at that pizza! It's an over panchiever.
Normally my species is cold blooded, but around you I am hot blooded.
Are your mathematics? I want to solve you.
“You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.”
Yogi Berra
“Stomach: I will now demonstrate a blue whale’s mating call.”
― Unknown
You know why theater people say "break a leg" instead of good luck?
Because if you do, you'll end up in a cast!
It’s so hot that my sprinkler released steam.
Hey, beautiful. Where have you been Haydn?
What do you get if you cross a bat with a woodpecker?
Bat-a-tat.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
Why do Penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they haven’t got any pockets.
My partner has been having nightmares that he’s a truck. He always wakes up tyred and exhaust-ed.
How do you know a flmaingo has stolen your shoes?
Only one shoe is missing.
What do you call a Pig with three eyes?
Piiig.
“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.
How does the moon take a bath?
It has meteor showers!
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
I've been dying to go to Greece on vacation.
But all they serve is bar food.
If you’re lacking a little good cheer,
Go and tickle a bull in the rear.
For I’m sure that the rumor,
That they’ve no sense of humor,
Is a product of ignorant fear.
Did you hear the gardener's joke about the old oak tree?
It's acorny one!
I want to stretch with you.
They say that Disney World is "the happiest place on earth".
They've obviously never been in your arms.
There was an Old Lady of Prague,
Whose language was horribly vague;
When they said, 'Are these caps?'
She answered, 'Perhaps!'
That oracular Lady of Prague.
"I have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed." - Unknown
The police hung up the phone call when I informed them about a murder in my front yard. They said they could not do anything regarding the crows.
When a guy sees another guy at a urinal and makes sure to go two spots away, it's called "social pisstancing".
Where does a bee use the bathroom?
BP
What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle? – An Orange County Chopper.
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