Baby, you've bought yourself a cruise on the Love Boat. I'll be your captain.
Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?
Because they spend years at C!
"If it's meant to be it's meant to be....but just to be clear it isn't."
If my life was a cake. Then you'd the cherry on top.
What do you call a cow that only produces almond milk? One that went nuts.
I wish I was one of your tears, so I could be born in your eyes, run down your cheek, and die on your lips.
I woke up this morning and saw two birds sitting in the sun in my backyard, eating ice cream.
They were Basking Robins.
What's the definition of a gentleman? One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't!
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights.
“The mud will wash off but the memories will last a lifetime.”
What do you call a murder where the perp runs away on a bicycle?
A drive bike shooting
Q: What do you call two peas in a pod?
A: Peepee.
I know tons of dad jokes! Here’s one
1.
Wow, You must be the pretty princess the evil queen is trying to get rid of.
What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?
Ranch dressing
Have you heard about that socially awkward chef that only cooks with snake meat?
I’m pretty sure he has Asp burgers.
The tiger ran away from other tigers as they were rude to him. He didn't want to be involved in a catfight.
The thought of you makes me redder than the sands at North Shore.
Ever since I laid my eyes on you
I have been wanting to ask you something
Something that has been eating me up
I knew I had to ask it when I got the chance
Are you on twitter?
So that I can follow you
(Anonymous)
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
French onion soup.
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
Why do birds fly south in the fall?
Because it’s too far to walk.
Onions have had a long process in the evolutionary chain. They have evolved into today's onions from onionderthals.
Here comes the sun of my life
If a star fell every time I thought of you, the sky would be dark at night.
What did the teacher do with her student's report on the history of cheese?
She grated it.
After completing the deadline just in the nick of time, the artist breathed a cyan of relief.
What do you call bananas that don't stick up for themselves? A bunch of pansies.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
Which chicken is at the top of the pecking order?
Attila the Hen.
If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
So I asked Satan if he had any milk I could drink...
He told me "No whey in Hell!"
What do you call an ant that doesn’t sink?
Bouy-ant.
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
My fridge is hotter than you.
What do you call a dog that likes to dig up bones?
A barkeologist.
“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’”
Steven Wright
What fish only swims at night?
A starfish.
The direction fields of my heart all point to you.
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
How does Bob Marley like his donuts?
Wi’ jam in.
Are you Australian? Because you meet all of my koala-fications.
People who want to share their religious views with you, almost never want you to share yours with them. -- Dave Barry
Why did the advertising tycoons hire a bunch of apes?
They were running a gorilla marketing campaign.
“Dear Monday, I want to break up. I’m seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Sincerely, it’s not me, it’s you.”
When you mix a salt and water, you get a solution. When you mix a salt and battery, you get arrested.
Which tool does a peach biologist often use for its experiment? – A peachtree dish (Petri dish).
I think I’m developing tics. I just can’t help but wink at you.
Two skeletons are talking in a bar.
Skeleton 1: "Are you going to the funeral tomorrow?"
Skeleton 2: “Of corpse I am.”
Someone took all my straw
What a Hay-nous act!
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