Sheep jokes are bad.
Really baaaaaaa-d.
Why did the Buddhist gorilla get locked out of his monastery?
He forgot his monk-key
If a star fell every time I thought of you, the sky would be dark at night.
I was alone in the bath.
Imagine my surprise when I felt a tap on my shoulder!
“Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
– George Carlin
I love you a tot!
I recently took a trip to Alaska. We ate at a fancy restaurant where the chef made us an amazing meal from native animals and vegetables we helped forage. I asked if he had ever had whale blubber or seal meat.
He said "nah, I’m not really Inuit."
“Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.”
Albert Einstein
I tried to open a bag of Lays but it exploded all over me.
I've had a chip on my shoulder ever since.
Two kids are camping in their backyard, it's gotten pretty late and neither of them has a watch.
"What time do you think it is?" one of them asks the other.
"Just make a ton of noise," says the other.
The first kid gets confused and decides to do it anyway. After a few seconds of screaming, a light turns on in another yard and a neighbor yells, "YOU CRAZY KIDS IT'S 2 IN THE MORNING!!"
Why did the skeleton put on a heavy coat?
He was chillled to the bone.
What do you get when you cross a human and a pear?
A pear-son.
“The secret source of humor itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.”
Mark Twain
"Happy Easter to all my peeps."
What do you call a very active hydra?
Hydradynamic.
Does anyone know where we find the handmade Mother's Day gifts the school sends out each year?
I checked my kids' backpacks like usual but they weren't there.
Why didn’t the skull go to the dentist?
It was too-th late.
Why shouldn’t you let kids watch band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
I won a contest extracting the most water from a towel, I'm now known as the....
Lord of the Wrings.
Dad jokes are like Corona.
Everybody gets It but not everyone can laugh about It.
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Iona.
Iona who?
Iona new car!
Hey, my parents are out of town. That means we have the haunted mansion all to ourselves.
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
What do you call a mosquito with a turbo?
A bug-hati.
What is the best part of Valentine’s day?
The day after, when all the chocolate goes on sale.
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
Have you ever tried crossing a lion with a flamingo? It will be pink, that’s the mane thing.
Why did the electrical cords break up?
There was no spark between them.
“Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.” — Steven Wright
How does Chuck Norris sharpen his blades?
By shaving with them.
What did the mushroom say after the car accident? Help I’m a truffle!
These book puns have tickled your spine.
Lava is red and tsunamis are blue. If I had to choose a case study, I’d choose you.
Are you made of fluorine, iodine, and neon? ‘Cause you are F-I-Ne.
What illness kept Avogadro in bed for two months?
Mole-onucleosis
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
Why was the viking boxer loved so much
He ragna"rocked" the house
You're like my drug - when I'm with you, I feel Absinthe-minded.
Why did the penguin enter the theatre?
He wanted to go into snow business
Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday.
He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.
I broke up with my partner on our front stairs.
It was a stoop end to the situation.
"My name is Khan, please sit and entertain me."
You are my semicolon; always present in everything I do.
What time should I book the court? Let’s shoot for around tennish.
When you cross a wolf and Fred Astaire, you get dances with wolves.
How did the skeleton know the other skeleton was lying?
He could see right through him.
"If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world."
– J.R.R. Tolkien
I’ve started dating Medusa recently.
Our relationship rocks!
Hey Cameron, did you know your name was an anagram for romance?
Go to BabaMail
