What do you call dudes who love math?
Algebros.
Whale, hello there.
To the person who stole my glasses...
I will find you... I have good contacts!
Are you a florist? Cause ever since I met you, my life has been Rosey.
Where does Batman go to take a dump?
To the batroom of course!
What happened to the cat that went to the flea circus? She stole the whole show.
What car make did the Apostles drive?
Honda… because the apostles were all in one Accord.
If you cross a bee and a lizard, you'll get a blizzard!
My friend can't afford expensive art, she has no Monet.
What is a cowboy’s favorite tree?
A horse chestnut tree.
What would the pharaoh say after seeing the pyramid? He would name it mummy's home.
Did you hear about the pick-up artist who only ever wears green leaves on his head? Yeah, he’s definitely a pineapple smoothie.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
What do you call getting attacked by a mermaid?
An ariel assault.
Why couldn't the mathematician cross the road?
Because he kept trying to half the distance.
The storm suppose to knock out the power, but your eyes have all the electricity I need.
Baby, you remind me of the constitution, because you look like a national treasure.
I didn't believe in predestination until I met you.
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
When shouldn't you believe a word your cheese is saying? When it's too Gouda to be true.
There's something gorgeous about your eyes...
Oh, that's it! It's my reflection.
Who answers the door at the peanut mansion?
The peanut butler.
Did you guys hear about the airplane that dressed up for Halloween?
It was in disguise.
Did you hear about the geologist who went to jail?
He was charged with basalt and battery.
What did the therapist say to the angry client when their cell phone battery died?
I suggest you find an outlet!
One of my neighbours was stealing things from the local supermarket whilst sitting on the shoulders of two vampires. He was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
Just like I never play with poop, I promise you that I will never play with your heart.
My bowing arm is pretty sore… Because you just made my tremolo.
Why did the little British boy become an Ancient Egyptian Historian?
Because he wanted his mummy to be proud him.
Why don't quarterbacks share puns at the line of scrimmage? Because they produce audible groans!
"Some people have no guts."
A Mathematician, an engineer and a physicist were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.
“Aha”, says the engineer, “I see that Scottish sheep are black.”
“Hmm”, says the physicist, “You mean that some Scottish sheep are black”.
“No”, says the mathematician, “All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!”
Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
No body.
My love for you is like diarrhea. I just can't hold it in.
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
Ghosts drop off their babies at the day-scare centre when they go to work.
Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
It was too expensive to fly and too long to walk.
"You're not Mr. Right.... just Mr. Right Now."
Why do physics professors prefer overweight students?
They have greater potential.
“Luckily, today has been canceled. Go back to bed.”
– Unknown
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.
If I gave you my shoe, would you step into my life?
Vegans really have a beef with meat.
What does a nosey pepper do?
Gets jalapeno business!
Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
He didn’t want to split hairs.
what do you need to have proper grammar?
a proper grampar.
Why are burgers bad at telling jokes? Because they all are cheesy.
Where can you read about planets exploding?
In the orbituaries.
Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit jokes, you need to let that mango.
How did the headless chicken cross the road?
In a KFC bucket.
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