Wanna see my world cup in action?
I'll love you until Tom catches Jerry and has him for supper.
Why do owls shower so often?
So they don’t smell fowl.
Bagels and baguettes
Bap or fried bake,
The fruits of the flour
are easy to make
Chollah, chapatti,
Cinnamon bun.
These global delights,
make eating such fun.
Filled with Caribbean sweet meat
like Guava jam,
Scottish smoked salmon;
Or Danish roast ham.
Add a fresh fruit salad,
Some sparkling wine,
A candle, red roses and
you’re ready to dine.
(Joanna Davis)
"If found on ground, please drag to finish line."
From a runner's T-shirt
“I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it.”
- Edith Sitwell
What do you call a man who is too big for an alligator to eat?
A jawbreaker.
Basketball players at times get athletes foot. Come to think of it, it is like the missle toe astronauts get.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you...
I'd start thinking about you.
Which hand should we use to stir the soup? It is better to stir the soup with a spoon!
“I can speak Esperanto like a native.”
Spike Milligan
There was an old man in a tree,
Whose whiskers were lovely to see;
But the birds of the air,
Pluck'd them perfectly bare,
To make themselves nests on that tree.
I hate getting tide down in one place. So let's take an ad-van-ture.
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
Les Dawson
What’s the difference between Spring Break and Summer Break?
Jumping on the bed won’t make a Summer Break.
Q. Which kind of cheese is made fom deer milk?
A. Moose-erella.
Q: Why did the fruit go to the salon?
A: To peach her hair blonde.
What’s the healthiest part of a donut?
The middle.
Three tomatoes are walkin' down the street.
Papa Tomato, Mama Tomato and Baby Tomato.
Baby Tomato starts lagging behind, and Papa Tomato gets really angry.
Goes back and squishes him and says: "Ketchup."
"If anyone is Christmas shopping for me, I wear a size 7-day Caribbean cruise."
What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!
Are you a sprint set? Because you get my heart racing.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
What do you call a penguin in the desert?
Lost!
You had me at taco.
Why did the chicken family cross the road?
They thought it was an egg-cellent idea.
I wanted make a joke about the ocean, but it's too deep
What do you call a hippie's wife?
A Mississippi.
Hey baby, are you in a tunnel? Because we’re breaking up.
What happens if you run in front of a car?
You get tired.
What do you call dangerous precipitation?
A rain of terror!
Can you teach me how to use this machine?
If Princess Toad looked liked you, I would have killed Bowser years ago.
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
How are waiters and blockers similar? When they do a good job, they get a big fat tip.
Dialysis is a blood bath.
Are you a cat? Because you look purrrfect!
Our flamingo colleague was leaving for a new job recently. We all told him to flamingo for it.
The local zoo just started a recycling collection program to support its mission: 'When you bring in one can, you can save Toucans.'
Whale, whale, whale…
If it isn’t a pod.
Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.
Don't be a jerk-o-lantern
What do you call an imaginary pig? A pig-ment of your imagination.
Someone said you were looking for me.
“After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relations.” —Oscar Wilde
"I am a leaf on the wind... in bed."
- Firefly
People who use sleeping bags in the woods are soft tacos for bears.
How do planets staying busy during hunting season?
By shooting stars.
“To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior.'”
– Rita Rudner
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