I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
What South American dance do cows like to do?
The Rump-a.
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!
Billy Connolly
My blind friend did LSD for the first time...
There was a lot more tripping than usual.
Are you from the U.K.? Because I want U, K?
When I got my first job at the bowling alley, I was only tenpin.
Why didn't the corn chip advocate wear shoes?
They believed in Fritos.
Strawberries are great musicians because they make perfect jam sessions.
The glass eyeball manufacturer is having a promotion
An eye for an eye.
What do you call a half dozen wolves drinking beer?
A six pack.
Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk by again?
What do you call it when witches are optimistic about the future?
Witchful thinking.
I have no shelf control.
Grandpa: “Don’t scare me, I’m a heart patient.”
“If you scare me, I’ll never talk to you again.”
I dropped my steak into the fire.
Well done, me, well done.
"Oh, sweet child of wine."
What do you call an imaginary color?
A pigment of your imagination.
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
Are you a mountain climber? ‘Cause you really peaked my interest.
If you plant a light bulb in your garden, does it grow into a power plant?
All right, everyone, that’s enough! Gno more games!
I would give anything to be your personal item.
Why are crows the safest flying birds?
They're the most CAWtious.
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
That’s a beautiful dog. Does she have a phone number?
What is a cactus’ favorite MC Hammer song?
Can’t touch this.
“Some people can eat anything they want and stay slim. I put on weight just by reading the recipe.”
― Unknown
You owe me a drink, you're so ugly I dropped mine when I saw you.
Let me call you my sunshine because you make me so hot.
Every December, I really like making an emulsion of egg yolks, melted butter and lemon juice.
So its guaranteed to be a Happy Hollandaise
“Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.”
Doug Larson
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
My kid didn't want to tell me that his tooth was loose.
I had to pull it out of him.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot.
It caused immense pain to ma toes.
I think we need to become better strangers.
What do you call a self-obsessed egg?
An eggomaniac.
I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.
Are you a thief? Because you stole my heart.
What do you call someone who acts like a piece of fish poop?
A bassturd.
“Help…I’ve ran out of weekend!”
– Unknown
My dog has expensive taste in shoes.
So I got her some Jimmy Chews.
There was once a jolly happy mountain that offered fantastic advice to a grumpy hill. "Change your altitude", he said!
Hey baby, let me take you on a trip around the world.
Did you hear about the short-sighted frog?
He had to go to the Hopthalmologist.
I wonder...
How much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
How do you save a drowning mouse? Use mouse to mouse resuscitation!
The pun class we attended totally tortoise nothing.
What's a goat's favorite organ?
A Kid-ney
What did the werewolf say when he sat on sandpaper?
- Ruff!
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
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