Why didn’t the lady skeleton wear a bikini?
Because she was big boned.
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
“Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.”
- Jack Handey
I used to hate facial hair...
But then it grew on me.
Where is the Ghost’s bedroom located? Down the Hall-oween.
I just put some meat in the oven.
It’s bacon.
Why do they put lotion in tissues?
To soften the blow.
Why can’t minerals ever lie?
They’re always in their pure form.
Why did the Dalmatian have to go to the eye doctor?
He kept seeing spots.
I’m no James Monroe, but I can give you an Era of Good Feelings.
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
– George Burns
What can I say? I enjoy going to court.
So sue me.
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
Whenever the peach father gets mad at his son, he just screams loudly: “You are the son of a peach!”
What did the osteopathic medicine doctor bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
How to cars convince you?
By telling you that ‘you Audi-believe it.’
What did Hillary Clinton say when Bill wanted a new Saxophone?
"Not until you get rid of that HarMonica."
There was a Young Lady of Clare,
Who was sadly pursued by a bear;
When she found she was tired,
She abruptly expired,
That unfortunate Lady of Clare.
What’s a nut’s favorite scary movie?
The Creature from the Black Legume.
When I said "God, Thank you for this delicious noodle soup", my dad said "Ramen".
My wife wants to start selling kitchenware online.
I just don't see it panning out.
There’s a new dish out; it’s a cross between a cake and a bird. They call it a Flan-ingo.
I hit my head on a light bulb today, but it’s okay.
It was a soft white.
Where do Vikings go when they get old?
The Norsing home.
No costume? Oh you lucky girl, you don’t need Halloween. You look like an angel every day.
“Working is bad enough in the winter, but in the summer it can become completely intolerable.”-
Tom Hodgkinson
Why was the bread actor so unhappy?
She lost out on a juicy roll.
The big black bug bit the big black bear,
but the big black bear bit the big black bug back!
"I hate mornings, they start so early."
— Janet Evanovich
What all kinds of stars wear the sunglasses? The movie stars.
Have you ever heard of the book "They Yellow River"?
It was written by I.P. Daily.
What's a mummy's favorite song?
Walk Like An Egyptian.
“Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-break on.”
– Maxwell Maltz
I’ve never experienced having my dream come true, until the day I met you.
What do dinosaurs have that no other animals have? Baby Dinosaurs.
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
How do Medieval sheep protest prisons?
They storm the baaaastille.
Why does it cost $1 to use the urinal at the Department of Homeland Security?
If you pee something, pay something.
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado!
Babe, it doesn’t matter that you got diabetic retinopathy, because I heard love is blind.
If a purple-colored fruit gets stuck in your drain, then you should call a plum-ber to fix it.
What do you call the shirt a neurosurgeon wears to every brain surgery?
His specialty.
I tried giving my cat a bath and it sucked...
I couldn't get the fur off my tongue for a week.
Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato? The lettuce was a "head" and the tomato was trying to "ketchup"!
“When there’s a single thief, it’s robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, it’s taxation.”
– Vanya Cohen
Why did the witch fall off her broom mid-flight?
She had a fainting spell!
The favorite fruit of all ghost's are Bloooooo-berries!
What do you call a hamster in between two slices of bread?
A ham sandwich.
Why did the skeleton put on a heavy coat?
He was chillled to the bone.
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