This autumn, the garden told the mower to leaf him alone in peace.
“Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.”
― Bill Murray
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Toucan.
Toucan who?
Toucan play at that game!
A red ship and a blue ship collided in the ocean.
Apparently the survivors are marooned.
What time should I book the court? Let’s shoot for around tennish.
Why do wookies love chocolate chip cookies? Because they are chewy.
“Yoga. Because punching people is frowned upon.” — Anonymous
Where does wine catch up on all the vineyard dirt?
Through the grapevine.
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
I want you for myself like Newfoundland has its own time zone.
There was an Old Person of Dover,
Who rushed through a field of blue Clover;
But some very large bees,
Stung his nose and his knees,
So he very soon went back to Dover.
Why don’t Native Americans like to do rain dances in April anymore?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers.
Where do saplings graduate from? Elementree school.
“Why can’t the morning news ever say ‘Today has been canceled, now go back to sleep.”
– Unknown
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
Have you heard about the latest restaurant that opened up on moon?
No, how is that restaurant?
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There would be mass confusion.
What do you call a bat with ebola? African batman.
“I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I’m lying. – Rita Rudner
Why was the orange the valedictorian of her class?
She was the zest in class.
A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."
What vegetable is kind of cool?
The Radish.
What do zombies eat for dessert?
Eyes cream.
The Tsar Bomba, the most powerful nuclear explosive in recorded history, has an output of 57 megatons of TNT
And that pales in comparison to how much of a bombshell you are.
"Granddad's Got Hair"
Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.
Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."
– Graham Craven
Can I be one of the men in your box?
What did the dog say to its fleas?
Stop bugging me
What do you call a cute donut?
A-dough-able.
Why was the peach so sad at the funeral? It left a deep pit in its heart.
If a lion is the king of the jungle...
Then shouldn’t they call it a reignforest?
If I ever get drafted into the Navy, and they make me choose what boat to get on.
I would just say frig it.
You look like trash, may I take you out?
Q: What did the sign for the party for beavers say?
A: Beaver or be square.
How do werewolves eat lunch?
They wolf it down.
Why does everyone want ice cream to be on their team?
Because with them, anything is popsicle.
Hey girl, are you on the endangered species list? 'Cause baby you are one of a kind!
What kind of turkey grows on a tree? Poultry.
Where do bad beavers go?
They're dammed to hell.
There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
Girl, are you a train? Because I choo choo choose you.
There is a Young Lady whose nose
Continually prospers and grows;
When it grew out of sight,
she exclaimed in a fright,
"Oh! Farewell to the end of my nose!"
“My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.” – Anonymous
What do you call a pig with skin problems? A wart-hog.
What happens when you blend an artificial waterway with a tree? You get a root canal.
We must be near an airport, because my heart just took off when I saw you!
Why did Arthur have a round table?
So nobody could corner him!
That's right; I'm as breathtaking as the Sydney Tower.
Why did the turkey cross the road? It was the chicken's day off!
Those little darlings
With their angelic eyes
Look harmless enough
But beneath their disguise
They’re nothing but thugs
With pure evil intent
These spawn of Satan
Are not heaven sent
These foul blackguards
Going about their sport
They say “Trick or treat”
As they happily extort
They squirt fake blood
On my front door
They egg my new car
I can’t take any more
I sit counting the minutes
Am I the only one?
Who just can’t wait
Till Halloween is done.
- Paul Curtis
Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.
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