Q. Which African animal is the oldest?
A. The zebra. 'Cause it's in black and white.
Is it true what they say about the size of a man’s canine teeth?
“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley
The story of the chicken and cow running away together sounds like a cock and bull story to me.
What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.
I was going to call you beautiful, but then I realized I don’t have your number yet.
Wanna partner up so we can test the spring potential of my bed mattress?
What did the waitress say to the customer who wanted free guacamole?
“You can kiss my Hass.“
“No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
Why was the math book sad?
Because it had so many problems.
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
Wanna see a magic trick? Abrakadabra, you're single now.
Easter and April Fools fall on the same day this year...
You could say it only happens once in a blue moon.
What do you call a guy that hands out free kebabs to the hungry?
A Döner.
France – it’s just a oui bit different!
What’s black and white and red all over?
A sunburned panda.
My Dad always told me to stand on a bottle of shampoo at job interviews...
That way I'd be 'head & shoulders' above the competition.
What do you get if you cross a squirrel with an elephant?
An animal that remembers where it hid its nuts.
Why do owls make such bad baseball players?
Their hits are always fowl.
I feel like I'm in Scandinavia, because when I'm with you it's like the sun never sets.
If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what does an onion do? Keeps everyone away.
What is Dr. Frankenstein’s favorite part of a company?
Human resources.
My mother's sister was a gamble who enjoyed poker. She would heartily add to the initial pot but fold after the first hand...
We called her Auntie Up.
What did the gold say to the pyrite? You’re a fool and a fake!
Did you hear about the man who sat next to his clone on the train?
He was beside himself.
Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade youve ever tasted.
What did the dog groomer say to her dentist?
I clean my canines every day.
Building a good makeup design always starts with a good foundation.
Looking for some hunka hunka burning love?
Are you Messi? 'Cause you look ike you'd never miss
Why didn’t the skull go to the dentist?
It was too-th late.
Why did the dinosaur paint her toenails red? So she could hide in the strawberry patch!
What competition do nuts participate in?
The peanut butter cup.
When does a turkey go "mooooo"? When it is learning a new language!
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Are you powdered sugar? Because you're sweet, and fine!
Potato puns are a-peeling.
I telephoned the tennis star Serena Williams for an interview and asked her, “What’s your favourite planet?”
Her: It’s Venus.
Me: Sorry Venus, would you put Serena on the phone?
When would an apple be not an apple? When it is a pineapple!
I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
What kind of sharks make good carpenters?
Hammerheads.
When one tree asked another how it was doing in November, it replied, "I am pine!"
"Taurus won't forget it. Taurus doesn't forget anything."
— Linda Goodman
The medieval king was very excited when the engineer told him that he could get him a castle at very little price. Turns out, the engineer indeed built a castle but it was a bouncy one.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for icecream!
In a recent study, NASA scientists confirmed that Uranus smells like farts.
How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
"There are two ways of waking up in the morning. One is to say, 'Good morning, God,' and the other is to say, 'Good God, morning'!"
– Fulton J. Sheen.
Why didn't the medieval farmers harvest flowers to make tea?
It would have been an exercise in feudal-lily-tea.
Where does a bird have the most feathers in winter?
On the outside.
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