Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.
"You round me out." — High Card Band
Why do witches fly on broomsticks?
Because vacuum cleaner cords aren’t long enough.
What does a Saudi bee call its bros?
Habibees.
Did you hear about that new broom? It's sweeping the nation!
What do you get when you cross a pig and a cactus?
A porky-pine.
“Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” – Maurice Chevalier
Q: Why was the Pharaoh boastful?
A: Because he Sphinx he's the best.
Why did the Easter Bunny have to leave school?
He was eggspelled.
I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides. I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards
I'm sure that must have been a record.
Wife: why do dad's have the worst jokes?
Me: It's a rule, dads have to have cringy jokes
Wife: Who makes those rules?
Me: The Dad Poet Society
Wife: (Groan)
I saw a flyer about a missing flower, would you call your florist and let him know you are safe?
What do you can an owl who's been caught in the act?
A spotted owl.
"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage." -Erma Bombeck
Fruit puns intended
Does he avacado? Because If not you should let that mango.
Not many people liked the new tree I planted.
It wasn’t very poplar.
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." - Rodney Dangerfield
"I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake."
— Lewis Black
Cute dog in your pics! Can I have his number?
What is the best period of a bee's relationship?
The honeymoon.
I accidentally mixed up the words 'Jacuzzi' and 'Yakuza' online.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
Why couldn’t the peanut finish the project?
Work came to a grinding halt.
“Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
– George Carlin
What do you call a poor ant?
A peas-ant.
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
A gang of ravens scared off individual crows and cornered them together. Well, you can say that a conspiracy of ravens preplanned a murder of crows.
Did you hear about the metamorphosis professor who just gave up on life? He really needed a change.
What did the pitcher tell the bat? Batter-up.
How do trains eat?
They chew chew.
Hey Cinderella, must be time I took you home. It’s nearly midnight!
How many dinosaurs can fit in an empty box ? One . After that, the box isn't empty anymore!
What is the result of an art competition? A draw.
why are the discarded papers that once held the halloween candy just like vocalists who have lost their rhythm, art, and poetry?
they are both empty rappers
What did the horny woman say about her coffee?
That coffee’s not the only thing that’s hot and wet this morning.
The two slices of bread decided to leave the bakery. I heard that they wanted to grow mold together.
Girl, you must be a possessive pronoun because I think you're mine.
What's the use of having the best phone, but not having my number?
“Running: Cheaper than therapy.”
-seen on runner’s T-shirt
Fall hardly happens here, but You'll be falling for me.
What did the tornado say to the sports car?
Let's go for a spin!
What does a door to door flower salesman do?
Petal his wares.
How is cat food sold? Usually, purr can!
Seth at Sainsbury's sells thick socks.
Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, because no one fools Chuck Norris.
When I broke my brother's favorite toy, he turned absolutely red in anger.
Do fish go on vacation?
No, because they’re always in school!
I eat my peas with honey.
I've done it all my life.
It makes the peas taste funny.
But it keeps them on the knife!
How does the Grammar Nazi party fund its government?
Through a syntax.
Why doesn't cheddar like to party with crackers? Someone always cuts the cheese.
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