What kind of money does deer use?
“Bucks!”
“Good morning world! Your little ray of sarcastic sunshine has arrived.”
– Unknown
What’s the difference between a greyhound station and a lobster with a boob job?
One’s a crusty bus-station, the other’s a busty crustacean.
What happens when you go on an all-cheese diet?
You cheddar few pounds.
Did you hear about the soldier who got struck by lightning?
He had to be honorably discharged.
It's not my fault I fell in love. You are the one that tripped me.
Are you the British museum?
‘Cuz you stole my (he)art
Luke Luck likes lakes.
Luke's duck likes lakes.
Luke Luck licks lakes.
Luck's duck licks lakes.
Duck takes licks in lakes Luke Luck likes.
Luke Luck takes licks in lakes duck likes.
What’s the best way to deal with a turkey?
Have it killed and then cran-bury it.
Did you hear about the frozen dessert whose wife had a baby?
Now he’s a popsicle.
Why did the flower take her husband back after he cheated?
She rose above it.
Why did the Cold War go on for so long?
Because Russia kept Stalin.
Did you hear about the rich rabbit? He was a millionhare!
You're so hot you melt the elastic in my underwear.
"Joker Grandpa"
Always finds a way, to make fun of my folks,
He is hilarious, with plenty of jokes.
A true expert, on many pranks,
For making us laugh; a little thanks.
At the dinner table, he’s rarely serious,
His tricks are cool and quite mysterious.
I’m not saying that he knows magic,
Some of his stunts are lame and tragic.
Grandpa knows how to pull your strings,
A cheerful guy, that constantly sings.
Never know, what he’ll come up with next,
Our joker grandpa, fun and perplex.
The plural of mango should be changed to mengo
Called in sick to work one day complaining about my eyes.
When they asked what's wrong I said:
“I just can’t see myself coming in to work today.”
What do you call a Rabbi who works with solvents?
An acidic Jew.
What does the Tour de France and Amsterdam have in common?
They both have a bunch of people on drugs riding around on bikes.
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
If you can't get Swine Flu from eating bacon what can you get? A1: Obesity A2: Heart Disease A3: Hardening of the Arteries.
What's a pickle's life philosophy?
Never a dill moment.
Good thing I just bought term life insurance … because I saw you and my heart stopped!
Are you a thief? Because you stole my heart.
My kid’s toy submarine was having trouble staying under water...
I hope this will not surface again
Electric razors are the best thing since sliced beard.
Is the pool safe for diving?
It deep ends.
What smells the best at dinner on Thanksgiving?
The family dog’s nose.
I'm so good at being interrogated.
I can do it blindfolded with my hands tied behind my back.
What do you call a diving dog?
A sub woofer.
Why did the dyslexic elf get fired?
He kept writing "From Satan" on children's New Year presents.
What do you call a goat that’s lazy?
Billy Idle.
Our game is as tight as our spandex. This would be an awesome team motto.
Why did the advertising tycoons hire a bunch of apes?
They were running a gorilla marketing campaign.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
"Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including yourself."
— Anne Lamott
What do you call a pilgrims vocabulary? Pilgrammar.
It was Halloween and
We were on our way to a party
They were both dressed as vampires
And I was Professor Moriarty
We stopped at the supermarket
But didn’t have any cash
So we thought we’d steal some booze
Then make a dash
The bottles we wanted
Were on the very top of the racks
Which we couldn’t reach
So I had to stand on their backs
Once I had the bottles
Dracula hid them under his cape
And without drawing attention
We casually made our escape
But we were caught on CCTV
A very clear image by all accounts
I was charged with shoplifting
On two counts.
- Paul Curtis
If a lion is the king of the jungle...
Then shouldn’t they call it a reignforest?
“If Monday were a person, it would be a boring friend who always forces us to do what we don’t want.”
I meditate about you. Will you do the same too?
Crowing, crowing, gone.
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
I walked past Mozart's grave.
He was sitting up, shouting "Braaiinnss" and ripping up all his music.
I guess he's a decomposer now.
Why do medieval ghosts refuse to stop at McDonald's?
They prefer Wight Castle.
Why was the koala scientist so well-respected by his peers? He was known for conducting excellent koalatative research.
What do you call an ant who can see into the future?
Clairvoy-ant.
Are you made of apples? Cause you sure look sweet as pie.
How did the Mother Banana spoil the Baby Banana? She left him out in the sun too long.
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 or 500 in Roman numerals.
I M L I VI D
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